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Pearl Harbor

Release Date: 
05/25/2001
Rated: 
MPAA: PG-13
Star Rating: 
1 out of 10
Instead of taking up space giving a blow-by-blow account of how horrendous Pearl Harbor is (trust us on this), we’re going to run down 10 things that could have made it better:

1. “Thanks for the audition tape, Mr. Affleck, but so long. Our new star is The Rock. And the Japanese admiral is being played by Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita.”

2. Instead of Japanese zero planes, Hawaii is attacked by giant robot lions that transform into Voltron.

3. Midway through the battle, Betsy Ross appears like Obi-Wan Kenobi and rallies the Americans.

4. FDR uses his mutant telekinetic ability to stop Magneto from destroying the U.S.S. Arizona.

5. This time around, the token cute dog takes a bullet.

6. Cuba Gooding Jr. not only shoots down a plane, he tracks down the wounded pilot and eats him.

7. Hot nurse-on-nurse action.

8. Marlon Brando is Winston Churchill!

9. Uncle Sam grows to monstrous proportions and attacks Tokyo himself. He chomps and stomps his way through the city, and is finally stopped when he gets caught in electrical wires.

10. Carnage and terror: two and a half hours. Love story: 10 minutes. Not the other way around.