Return to Me

Return to Me stars David Duchovny and Minnie Driver as a pair of lovelorn misfits who find each other in an annoyingly magical and whimsical Chicago. You’ll wish they stayed lost. The movie all but assaults you with cuteness—picture fending off a coked-up Care Bear that wants you to love him, love him, love him.

Here’s the set-up: Duchovny’s wife dies in a car crash and her heart is given to Driver. That’s right: It’s a heart-switch movie. Fate dumps Dave and Minnie into each other’s arms, and the wrinkle-nosed cuddling doesn’t stop for the next hour. (Strangely, the topic of that ugly 10-inch scar on her chest never, ever comes up. They go on dates; they fall in love; he even meets her family—but in all that time he never makes a grab for her knockers!)

Our mom raised us to say something nice whenever possible, so we’ll note that Return to Me features a lively supporting cast, led by a charming Carroll O’Connor and including ever-grizzled Robert Loggia and blue collar superman Jim Belushi. Otherwise, we spent most of the movie compiling a list of heart-switch movies we’d rather see. Like Charlton Heston’s heart in Pamela Anderson Lee’s body, or Robin William’s heart in the body of a brain-slurping zombie who teaches a family how to love…before eating them.