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Rock of Ages

Release Date: 
06/15/2012
Rated: 
MPAA: PG-13
Star Rating: 
5 out of 10

You’ll be dancing in the aisles…or cringing in your seat.

Photo: David James/Warner Bros. | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
The Pitch: Wholesome blonde Sherrie Christian (Julianne Hough) gets a job serving booze at an infamous L.A. hard rock club where grizzled dudes (Alec Baldwin, Paul Giamatti, Russell Brand, and Tom Cruise) take away her innocence (no, not in that way!) and show her what it takes to be a star. Oh, and everyone sings all the time.

Photo: David James/Warner Bros. | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
What It Really Is: An excuse to shoehorn every iconic 80s hair metal song into one movie, from Night Ranger to Pat Benatar to Bon Jovi to Twisted Sister to…you get the idea. The “plot,” which involves an ultra-conservative politician’s wife (Catherine Zeta-Jones) on a mission to shut down the club isn’t even secondary. It’s, like, 15th-iary.

Photo: David James/Warner Bros. | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Is It As Awful As It Sounds? If you’re a fan of the tunes, it’s hard not to sing along, tap your feet and stroke your mullet. The gorgeous roster of actresses--Julianne Hough, Malin Akerman and Catherine Zeta-Jones--make it a lot more tolerable for guys dragged against their will by the woman in their life. On the other hand, it is a film full of “where the hell did that come from?!” singing and dancing that’s tailor-made for your hip aunt but might, very well, drive you out of your goddamn mind.

Photo: David James/Warner Bros. | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Top Gun volleyball scene 2.0: Shirtless Tom Cruise singing.

Maxim.com Ready-Made Press Blurb: “It’s been ages since you’ve rocked like this!” --Maxim.com

Photo: David James/Warner Bros. | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Who’s It For: Good boyfriends; anyone who REALLY digs hair metal; C.C. DeVille’s mom

Studio: Warner Bros.