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Sci-Fi, Satan, and Stoners – Which Movie Should You See This Weekend?

Maxim’s movie-loving mutts preview Oblivion, The Lords Of Salem, and Cheech & Chong’s Animated Movie

 

Oblivion

Out April 19, Rated PG-13

 


Photo Courtesy of Universal Pictures

 

Holly’s take:

Oblivion? Ha! More like Oblivious, am I right? Seriously, does anyone know what this movie is supposed to be about? Going by the poster, I think it’s something to do with Tom Cruise helping an old blind man to play laser-tag, but I could be wrong.”

 

Dexter’s take:

“This seems interesting – a futuristic action thriller about humanity fighting for survival after a decades-long war with an alien race, that also neatly plays into the public’s current discomfort with America’s increasing reliance on drone technology. I will say that I always find it weird when Tom Cruise does sci-fi – he’s such an iconic part of the late '80s and early '90s, that anything involving him being out of that timeframe just seems weird and unsettling to me. That said, this movie – from the director of TRON: Legacy - is supposed to be visually stunning and pretty exciting in places, so if you feel like some action-packed eye candy, this’ll probably suit you nicely.”

 

Billie’s take:

“WHY ARE ALIENS ALWAYS TRYING TO DESTROY US? WE HAVE NICE THINGS HERE, LIKE JUSTIN BIEBER, AND THE WESTBORO BAPTIST CHURCH!”

 



 

The Lords Of Salem

Out April 19, Rated R

 


Photo Courtesy of Anchor Bay Films

 

Holly’s take:

“Jesus, horror films are bad enough, but the fact there are goats in this movie is the final nail in the coffin. I hate goats, even more than I hate squirrels, and I hate squirrels so much that I once killed a mouse with its butt stuck in a fluffy sock, just to be sure. Pass.”

 

Dexter’s take:

“This appears to be Rob Zombie’s attempt to transition from blood-drenched splatter-horror flicks into more mature, Rosemary’s Baby­-style horror, with its tale of a Salem DJ slowly being driven to insanity by her neighbors, a coven of witches descended from the area’s original cauldron-cacklers. While it looks to be rather elegantly shot, I couldn’t help giggling a couple times during the trailer, which can’t be a good sign. Basically, it looks like a Rottweiler in a top hat – impressive, but not actually all that scary.”

 

Billie’s take:

“I LIKED THE PART WHERE THE RECORD HAD A HIDDEN MESSAGE ON IT FROM THE DEVIL! IT’S NICE TO KNOW THAT IN AN AGE OF EMAIL AND TWITTER, SATAN’S STILL KEEPING IT OLD-SCHOOL.”

 

 

 

Cheech & Chong’s Animated Movie

Out April 18, Rated R

 


Photo Courtesy of Big Vision Entertainment

 

Holly’s take:

“I’ve, like…uhh…I’ve like…uhh…wow, my mouth is really dry. Do my…do my paws look weird to you? I feel like…wow, my mouth is really dry. Wow.”

 

Dexter’s take:

“I suspect that this cartoon of Cheech and Chong doing their thing will only appeal to those who remember getting high off their ass and watching Up In Smoke, without finding too many new fans. But what the hell, if you’re of a certain age, you’re going to want to stream this, settle down on a beanbag with a huge pile of junk food, and giggle your stoned ass to sleep.”

 

Billie’s take:

“OH MY GOD I AM FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW. HOLLY! HOLLY! WHERE ARE MY THUMBS? WHAT WAS IN THAT BROWNIE YOU GAVE ME? WHERE ARE MY THUMBS? WHAT ARE THUMBS??”

 

 

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