This just in: The opinionated sucks who control the news suck.
Felix Dennis- After launching the best magazines America has ever seen—Maxim, Blender, and the-now-defunct Stuff—the Brit half-billionaire announced he was looking to buy his very own forest. Then he sold off all three American titles and, well, who really cares? If you really wanted to save a few trees you could have started by not giving us your poetry book as a Christmas bonus. (We couldn't get more than $1.25 on eBay for the thing, and ours were autographed.) But we still love ya, you crazy hippie.
Andy Rooney- The network brags that this bristle-browed culture-saurus has "decades of experience working with 60 Minutes." But when his only new story ideas include a diatribe about how nobody wants to watch movies at home and why he hates receiving mail, those decades are as useful to Rooney as swim trunks.
Jon Stewart- As host of the immensely popular Daily Show, Jon Stewart makes us laugh! Er...actually, scratch that. He used to make us laugh, until he started preaching like an activist, interviewing only boring authors and dignitaries, and pandering to "Camera 3." These days, the dude's humorless, politically-charged sermons almost make us wish Mind of Mencia was on. Almost.
Tyra Banks-
You'd think ballooning up to 161 lbs. would have slowed this once superhot supermodel. Think again. In her apparent bid to become the next Oprah, Tyra uses her daytime talk show to channel her you-go-girl power in overcoming her "painful past," while on America's Next Top Model the former catwalker bears fangs before chewing out the show's vapid contestants. Those'll come in handy when she has to gnaw off the leg that's fused to her living room couch.
Mancow Muller- What radio really needs is another unqualified right-wing weirdo throwing his conservative morals in our face and suggesting that America's going to hell in a hand basket. He calls his listeners the "Mancow Militia," and calls his wacky morning zoo "Mancow's Morning Madhouse." We call him a "mangina with a microphone."
Stephen A. Smith- The best way to let EVERYONE know that you're an AUTHORITY on a subject is to YELL EVERYTHING YOU SAY. People will think YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT if you just make sure to SCREAM IT! Even if you're saying something like, "MY NAME IS STEPHEN A. SMITH, AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TALK LIKE A NORMAL PERSON!"
Joel Stein- "I don't support our troops," wrote Stein in the L.A. Times. Why? Because he doesn't support the war. Well, we're writing on Maxim.com that he should keep his fiendishly droll, insufferably stuffy Stanford-bred views—as well as his douchewater I Love the 80s commentary—in his slim-fitting pants.
Bill Simmons- Hey, Bill: My dad, Steve; my buddy, Neil; my girlfriend (I call her Writer Gal); and every other acquaintance who exists in my social sphere don't give a shit about the boner your dad has for the Celtics, the boner your buddy Sully has for the Sawx, or the boner your girlfriend has for Sex and the City. More sports and less Lifetime network story lines, jock stain.
John Stossel- If anyone ever deserved two slaps about the head from a professional wreslter, it's this guy. (Thank you, Dr. David Schultz.) With his mangy mustache, high-pitched voice and contrarian views (how novel!), dubious libertarian and 20/20 coanchor John Stossel attacks conventional wisdom like "McDonald's is bad for you" and "humans are responsible for global warming." Normally we'd be concerned, but we're too busy downing Big Macs, ripping donuts in our Hummers and watching video of him getting hit to care.
Glenn Beck- Considering he has a face made for radio, why is it that this unremarkable, bogusly conservative blob is babbling about global warming every time we flip on CNN? Between him and Nancy Grace, we'd sooner slam our plumbs in a car door than endure a minute of Headline News Prime.