Anyone with a keyboard can get "access" to the world's most secure computers. At least that's what these unrealistic hacker scenes tell us.

449631739- This Matthew Broderick flick, which predated widespread Internet use by about 10 years, introduced us to independently conscious computers capable of accessing an apocalypse's worth of nukes and the hackneyed practice of making our passwords the name of our dead son.

449631698- "Hey, it's a Unix system! I know this!" said 13-year-old Lex as she prepared to access the Park's control system—a 3-D File System Navigator interface running on top of Irix (an implementation of Unix) on a Silicon Graphics workstation. Duh! What prepubescent girl doesn't know that?

449631771- With a gun to his head and a random floosy pleasuring his little Wolverine, Hugh Jackman spends 60 seconds hacking into a multibillion-dollar account safeguarded by a security system purported to require a network of supercomputers months to break open, thus inspiring us to add programming to our autoasphyxiation sex play.

449631714- Nerds break into a typically powerful government mainframe defended by skull graphics to create a computer simulation of a sex doll that they can't even have virtual sex with. Can you say waste of time?

449631805- Watching Harrison Ford using a girly iPod to help him access a bank's accounts to pay a $100,000,000 ransom is as lamentable as seeing Indiana Jones wearing an earring.

449631819- If the rapidly changing screens that look like they came right out of Command & Conquer weren't silly enough to make this scene laughable, Wesley Snipes' limp-handed turbo-typing should be enough to secure its spot in the n00b hall of fame.

449631873- These hacker prodigies inspired us to learn computer programming, thereby delaying our first sexual experience but enabling us to speed-read scrolling hex code.

449631837- This movie changed the paradigm of the Web of Evil film, demonstrating that hacking's so easy that even a girl can do it—and that the Escape key is intended to be used to escape from online danger.

449631856- Broderick gets hacky again, this time to adjust his record's days absent total. Evidently, this can be accomplished with only a computer, a modem, and the down button. Who knew?

449631892- Anonymous e-mail aliases aside, the only thing less believable in this movie than a computer company having a virtual filing cabinet room is such a company employing a hottie like Demi Moore.

449631672- Sticking a few choice strings of genuine code into this cyber thriller does little to address the absurdity of pretty boy Ryan Phillippe being able to crack a protective encryption program, much less take down Tim Robbins in a WWW duel.

449631655- A simple upload of the "Jolly Roger" virus to a network of alien spacecrafts can save the planet. To think, we've been wasting our time recycling.

449631690- When Ving Rhames wants an alarm to activate, he simply logs onto some colorful system and types "ACTIVATE ALARM" and he's done. Ah, if only life was so easy.