The Last Days On Mars hits theaters today, but how do its antagonists fare against these classic red planet meanies?
Green Martians – John Carter
Type Of Martian: Green. There are a whole rainbow of different Martian species in the John Carter universe, including red, yellow, white, and black. The green variety have four arms and a penchant for roaming the desert – two factors that presumably lead to an above-average consumption of roll-on deodorant.
Manner Of Martian Assholery: Primitive and warlike, with a tendency to force prisoners into gladiatorial combat with saber-toothed albino gorillas, they’re generally just loud, aggressive, and obnoxious. Picture being on the last train home to Newark on a Friday night, but where everyone’s 15 feet tall and carrying spears, and you’re in the right vicinity.
Redeeming Qualities: Not many, although if you set up as a manicurist near one of their camps, you’d make a killing.
Benny – Total Recall
Type Of Martian: Radiation-altered mutant colonist. Not a native Martian, but definitely an asshole.
Manner Of Martian Assholery: Benny sells out Arnie’s Quaid by lying about having kids to feed, then trying to squelch him to death with a giant rock-smooshing machine. He’s also not averse to fondling topless hookers in public, although if we’re being honest, this one would’ve been pretty hard to resist for the novelty alone.
Redeeming Qualities: The dude seems to really enjoy his job, and that’s always nice. Just look at his face when he thinks he’s about to blend the two humans into lunchmeat – he’s positively glowing, the little scamp.
Assorted Monsters - Doom
Type Of Martian: Zombiefied beasts; Hell Knights; slimy, wheelchair-toting slug-weasels – this facility has everything you could imagine that’s both gross and likely to kill you (with the possible exception of a KFC Double Down).
Manner Of Martian Assholery: Due to genetic tampering and the addition of Martian chromosomes, anyone who’s already an asshole gets transformed into an even worse asshole. So, mathematically speaking, every bad guy in this movie is Asshole Squared. That’s a lot of asshole.
Redeeming Qualities: If you’re a bad person, you become a monster, but if you’re a good person, the Martian chromosomes give you super powers. It’s basically a more extreme version of Santa Claus’ naughty or nice list.
Tripods – War Of The Worlds
Type Of Martian: Reptilian warmongers who, despite being capable of interstellar travel, ray shielding, and advanced heat ray weaponry, are completely incapable of building a working air filtration system.
Manner Of Martian Assholery: World-conquering, ultra-violent, monstrous would-be eradicators of humanity. Also responsible for another Tom Cruise movie.
Redeeming Qualities: This song is still pretty great.
Martians – Mars Attacks
Manner Of Martian Assholery: On top of their general viciousness, these Martians heralded the beginning of a 17-years-and-counting downward slide for the formerly awesome Tim Burton. After a fantastic run of movies – including Beetlejuice, Batman, Edward Scissorhands, and Ed Wood, 1996’s Mars Attacks ushered in the era of Shitty Burton, an era that has seen such cinematic turds as Planet Of The Apes, Charlie And The Chocolate Factory, and Alice In Wonderland. We’re still hoping the Tim Burton we used to like was actually kidnapped by Martians in the mid-'90s, and that all these movies are the fiendish work of his reputation-destroying Martian Doppelganger.
Redeeming Qualities: They did at least incinerate Congress, which seems like an idea most people could get behind these days.