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The 5 Least Professional Movie Nurses

Nurse 3D's killer medics got us wondering – who was the worst nurse ever to grace the silver screen?


Photo Courtesy of Lionsgate

Nurse 3D hits screens this weekend, and stars two-time Maxim cover girl Katrina Bowden and perennial Hot 100 entrant Paz de la Huerta as a pair of hot nurses in what’s being billed as an “erotic thriller” (we’re guessing you’ve already got tickets). Since you’re not really supposed to murder patients when you work in a hospital, we got to thinking – who were the worst nurses ever to grace the silver screen? We got our good Dr. Maxim to write performance reviews for each of these medically incompetent ladies.

 

Nurse Price – American Werewolf In London

PERFORMANCE REVIEW

Nurse Price is a competent medical professional, but has a troubling habit of taking her work home with her - specifically, into her bathroom. And then into her bedroom. And then into her vagina. This is especially worrying when the patient in question is either a) hallucinating that he is a werewolf or b) actually a werewolf.

RECOMMENDED COURSE OF ACTION

I was going to say a good cold shower, but I think she’s had quite enough of that already. For now, I’m prescribing two weeks bed rest and a good book. And rabies shots.

 

 

Nurse Ratched – One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest

PERFORMANCE REVIEW

If there is one thing for which Nurse Ratched can be relied upon, it is cool, detached, clinical professionalism. That, and a very enthusiastic belief in the power of lobotomies. It has become clear through recent events that her brand of strict discipline does not work on more strong-willed patients, but on the other hand, she very effectively instilled in the patients a fear of breaking curfew. And possibly Juicy Fruit.

RECOMMENDED COURSE OF ACTION

A neck brace and some extra-thick rubber soles. I have a sneaking suspicion, from her recent behavior, that she’s been standing too close to the table during electro-convulsive therapy sessions.

 

 

Nurse Garland and Colleagues – Silent Hill

PERFORMANCE REVIEW

Nurse Garland and her fellow nurses have developed a few troubling habits over the course of the last few years, most worryingly, gathering in dark basements in large numbers, in direct contravention of the hospital’s fire safety rules. They also seem to have taken to wrapping their heads in gauze and killing everyone in sight with a collection of lead pipes, knives, and revolvers, but it’s the fire code stuff that’s really going to get us in trouble with the board.

RECOMMENDED COURSE OF ACTION

At this point I have no recourse but to enforce strict disciplinary measures – a written warning for each nurse, plus a compulsory safety seminar. I believe this to be harsh, but fair.

 

 

Nurse Wilkes - Misery

PERFORMANCE REVIEW

Nurse Wilkes must be commended for the level of care given to those who are not, strictly speaking, even patients of the hospital, but after a unanimous vote at last month’s administrative conference, it falls to me to officially state that a sledgehammer is a wholly unsuitable tool for performing corrective ankle surgery.

RECOMMENDED COURSE OF ACTION

It is high time that Nurse Wilkes be given a thorough psychiatric appraisal. Failing that, possibly a less frumpy makeover?

 

 

Nurse Krueger – A Nightmare On Elm Street 3: The Dream Warriors

PERFORMANCE REVIEW

The behavior of Nurse Krueger has been serious cause for concern of late. Stripping off and attempting to seduce underage mental patients is one thing, but opening a portal to hell in the middle of a busy ward is categorically unacceptable.

RECOMMENDED COURSE OF ACTION

Covering her with holy water and then burying her skeleton in a junkyard. Frankly, I suspect that even this measure will only be short-term solution, but it should suffice at least until we can scrub the scorch marks out of the drapes.

 

Check out The 5 Worst People From Your Office To Be Stuck On A Desert Island With, or Maxim's March Cover Girl Laura Vandervoort.