Admit it, once these movies appear on your TV, you're physically incapable of turning them off. Wallow in the awful greatness of good bad movies.
12. <strong>Summer School</strong>- Mark Harmon, the stiffest man on the planet who still has a pulse, plays a laid-back, Cali surfer dude-turned-teacher. It's a tough sell, but sun stroke and hash are the only way to explain why his love interest is…Kirstie Alley? Yeesh. Still, as "gaggle of high school misfits" go, Summer School has the best crop—Dave and Chainsaw are a cooler man's Jeff Spicoli.
11. <strong>The Transporter</strong>- Guys don't need curtains, hand towels, or dishes—just a couch, a fridge, and a TV. And we don't need plots, characters, or dialogue—just lots of random action, and a ton of fast BMW driving while a hot Asian woman is tied up in the trunk. The Transporter just "gets" us, you know? Hell, we can't even recall the main character's name. Who cares? Just don't kill our buzz by bringing up The Transporter 2. Not cool.
13. <strong>Anaconda</strong>- This is a movie that, on the surface, had one thing to offer — giant snakes — but actually turned out to have so much more. Great "before they were stars" casting (Jennifer Lopez, Owen Wilson), Jon Voight strangulating the English language, and Eric Stoltz with a gaping hole in his neck for 90% of the movie. Plus, there's no way you can tune out before the camera takes on the POV of the anaconda's throat as it swallows Voight whole.
10. <strong>Eraser</strong>- Arnold Schwarzenegger working for an elite government agency? Check. Hot woman in peril? Check. James Caan? Check. Enormous futuristic weapons nestled in each Schwarzebicep? Check and check. So why isn't Eraser mentioned alongside other Arnie classics? Maybe it's because quipping "you're luggage" to a dead crocodile isn't exactly "I'll be back." But why nitpick? Arnie's killing crocodiles! Enjoy yourself.
9. <strong>The Replacements</strong>- Yes, it's practically a remake of Necessary Roughness, but where that movie had to make do with Scott Bakula, Sinbad, Jason Bateman, and Hector Elizondo, The Replacements has Keanu Reeves, Jon Favreau, Rhys Ifans, and Gene fucking Hackman. It's probably a better cast than it deserves, but this movie remains the perfect antidote to watching your actual NFL team get slaughtered on a Sunday afternoon. Click over to TBS, you know it's on.
8. <strong>The Core</strong>- Have you ever asked yourself, what if the ladyboy from Boy's Don't Cry and the corporate dickhead from In the Company of Men teamed up with the villain from Bad Boys, the cop from Gone in 60 Seconds, the skinny kid from Road Trip, and, um Stanley Tucci to save the world from disaster? Fret not, my friend. Sit back and watch them all drill to the center of the earth to stop it from spinning…or start it spinning…or…something. Whatever.
7. <strong>The Last Dragon</strong>- Back before hip-hop and R&B was ruined by poser thugs and kung fu movies started taking themselves way too seriously, the two had a torrid one night stand and birthed this beautiful love child. In fact, stand up in your cubicle right now and shout "Who is the master?" Anyone who doesn't answer 'Sho' nuff!" is someone you never need to speak to again.
6. <strong>Surviving the Game</strong>- Why is the concept of hunting human beings for sport such a timeless classic? Does it tap into our dormant hunter instincts? Does it cathartically satisfy our fascination with man's inhumanity to man? Or is it just that watching Ice-T run for his life from not only Gary Busey but Rutger Hauer the kind of thing we eat up like fear-flavored ice cream? Yeah, we're going with that last one.
5. <strong>The Beastmaster</strong>- Don't be so quick to call this a lame Conan the Barbarian rip-off. Sure, Conan had Arnold and Darth Vader turning snakes into arrows, but it was 100% lacking in all of the following: Heroic ferrets, brainless leather daddy henchmen, giant mute freaks that dissolve humans by wrapping them in their wings, Rip Torn, half-naked witches, and more uncomfortable homoeroticism than an entire season of Oz. Oh, and yes, that is the father from Good Times wearing a leather thong.
4. <strong>Blue Chips</strong>- Even though we should hate this movie for inspiring Shaquille O'Neal to pursue an acting career (Hey, big man, you were playing a basketball player. Put down that Genie costume, DeNiro). But we can't because no one plays a frazzled, on-the-edge college basketball coach—essentially Bobby Knight—better than Nick Nolte. And it harkens back to a simpler time when Anfernee Hardaway was Shaq's preening point guard nemesis, instead of Kobe.
3. <strong>Scarface</strong>- Settle down, holmes. I know your Tony Montana silk-screened shirt, bedsheets, pool table cover, and mudflaps bristle at the thought of Scarface being called a "bad" movie, but ignore the hype and the fake gangster posturing and do something you've never done: Watch the movie. It's aiiight, but it's not the masterpiece it thinks it is. Still, as generally trashy B-movie stuff goes, it's good stuff, and we don't mind wallowing in Tony's sleaze any chance we get. Just wipe your nose and keep it in perspective. You're not a Cuban cocaine kingpin in Miami, you're a Home Depot stockboy from Passaic, New Jersey.
2. <strong>Iron Eagle</strong>- Iron Eagle wears its complete and utter bullshitness so proudly on its sleeve that it dares you to hate it. And, dammit, we try — really, we do — but…aw, hell, we just can't. You kids! Go ahead and hijack those Air Force jets! Go on and find the exact Middle Eastern prison where your dad is being held hostage! Go ahead and heed Chappy's sage advice! And we don't care what anyone else says, you interrupt that important radio chatter and blast Queen's "One Vision" in the heat of a dogfight! We can't say no to you.
1. <strong>The Good Bad Movie Lifetime Achievement Award</strong>- Inaugural Winner: Sylvester Stallone
Stallone has made such a career out of utterly watchable crap that choosing just one seems unfair. The cumulative effects of Cobra, Tango & Cash, Over the Top, and, of course, Lock Up have pretty much been keeping cable TV alive all this time. Let's run 'em down... Cobra: If you say you change the channel when this is on, you are a liar; Tango & Cash: Stallone and Kurt Russell? That's like asking, "Do you want beer and hot wings?"; Over the Top: Because truckers needed their own Rocky Balboa; Lock Up: For those who thought Cool Hand Luke was too prissy. Sly, take a bow.