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The Cell

Release Date: 
08/18/2000
Star Rating: 
★½
Too bad we can’t tell you exactly what’s wrong with this movie without ruining the ending, but suffice it to say that all the bells and whistles don’t amount to a hell of a lot.

Jennifer Lopez, she of the decent acting chops and grade-A shitcutter, stars as a child psychologist who practices a revolutinary type of therapy—she actually enters the mind of troubled children to help bring them back. When the FBI, led by a poorly cast Vince Vaughn, capture a serial killer seconds after he slips into a coma (darn the luck), Lopez’s mind-tripping becomes their only hope of finding the location of his last victim (who’s about to be drowned in an elaborate machine that takes so long to work that it seems to have been designed by an old Batman villain). She steps into his fractured mind, only to find it resembles surrealist paintings and bad Marilyn Manson videos. Which is, of course, how all minds of serial killers look, don’t they? C’mon, you think Dahmer’s head looks like a Bollywood movie set? Hell no, it probably looked more like your grandfather’s attic.

Anyway, while there are some impressive visuals (early in the film, Lopez smokes a joint—our sentiments exactly), the story is beyond cliché and the acting is generally lousy. The scares are cheap and the action absurd—watching Lopez literally tranform from the Virgin Mary to some sort of Xena, Dream Warrior Princess had us vowing never to touch drugs again.