Compiling a list of Christmas movies that prompt us to cleanse our emotional palate in a vat of nog is tough because there are so many.
<strong>14. Jingle All the Way</strong>- Funnier than the around-the-clock debate in the wake of the Governor Arnold-precipitated California budget crisis a few years back, but not as funny as Governor Arnold attempting to enunciate “gerrymandering” or “filibuster.”
<strong>13. How the Grinch Stole Christmas</strong>- Usually, Jim Carrey prompts us to reach for a tranquilizer gun and a fresh supply of darts. In this case, we grabbed a rocket launcher and dipped the missile in anthrax juice.
<strong>12. Home Alone</strong>- Ah, massive and unfathomable child neglect, the cornerstone for any Christmas film worth its salt.
<strong>11. Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol</strong>- So Maxim gets rapped for supposedly piggish 'tudes towards the gals, but the folks behind this flick can savagely mock the nearsighted with impunity? Double standard! Double standard!
<strong>10. Christmas With the Kranks</strong>- After enduring this shrill disaster, we immediately crossed Jamie Lee Curtis off the invite list for all future hand parties. Her Perfect leotard? Her Trading Places pumps? They never happened.
<strong>9. The Polar Express</strong>- Computer animation creeps us out, man. Those kids, they got eyes like saucers. Saucers of evil.
<strong>7. Scrooged</strong>- They had us with the proposal to staple "antlers" on the mice; they lost us with the everybody-basks-in-the-warm-Christian-glow-of-holiday-goodness finale, complete with Bill Murray's sad mugging for the cameras during a— quel horreur!—mass cast sing-along.
<strong>6. Benji's Very Own Christmas Story</strong>- Notable if only as a memento of those innocent times when we were collectively transfixed by a sandy-haired mutt, one which some believed could actually communicate with humans. (Bark! "What, boy?" Bark, bark! Bark! "You're saying that Santa's fat ass is stuck in Mr. Nickelnose's chimney, and we should call a demolitions expert and the coroner? Good boy! Good boy!")
<strong>5. One Magic Christmas</strong>- The real question here: Was craggy, leather-voiced Harry Dean Stanton broke, drunk, or some combination of the two when somebody connived him into participating? A brief plot description, from IMDB.com: "An angel must show a mother the true meaning of Christmas. It's not just presents and materialistic things, but the people she cares about." Indeed.
<strong>4. Miracle on 34th Street (1994 version)</strong>- Do you think that Mara Wilson, who plays the Christmas-addled sprite in this saccharine abomination, sees the A-list career that Dakota Fanning currently enjoys and thinks, "I'm gonna carve that bitch up. I'm gonna carve her up good?"
<strong>3. The Santa Clause 2</strong>- Granted, the first Santa Clause left many a question unanswered, like, "Will Scott Calvin/Santa embrace his role as the Capo of Christmas?" and, "If we slashed Tim Allen about the torso with an antler pried off Rudolph's head without the use of anesthesia, would he bleed human blood?" Sadly, SC2 instead concerned itself with Scott/Santa's semi-naughty son, who ultimately traded in his nipple clamps and Betty Page memorabilia for a red cardigan festooned with Christmas trees.
<strong>2. Surviving Christmas</strong>- All you need to know about this one, in a single word: Affleck. Let's move on.
<strong>1. It's a Wonderful Life</strong>- Let's face it—the planet would be a much more wonderful place without most of us on it (Jimmy Carter excepted, of course). That It's a Wonderful Life contends otherwise makes us want to throw ourselves off a tall bridge and let the savage current below work its magic on our ne'er-to-be-transplanted organs.
<strong>8. Christmas Mountain: The Story of a Cowboy Angel</strong>- We've never seen this flick, but it makes the cut for its title alone. We request—nay, demand—a remake, with either Billy Ray Cyrus or Rob Schneider in the so-totally-not-Brokeback-it-ain't-even-funny cowboy role originated by Slim Pickens.