The Da Vinci Code

Forget about the code Tom Hanks is trying to decipher in the movie—even more baffling is how 50 million copies of this holy mess got sold in the first place. Both the book and its faithful film adaptation wrap themselves around a religious mystery based on the theory that Jesus had a baby mama. Weaving in and out of this explosive thought is a standard chase movie involving a Harvard symbologist (played by Hanks) and a beautiful police detective (Audrey Tautou) who race all over Europe in search of the holy grail. As if unearthing the grail isn't enough, a repulsive albino masochist (Paul Bettany)—a member of the mysterious religious sect Opus Dei—is bent on ending their quest by any means necessary. Forget blasphemy—appalled theatergoers really should be complaining about the lame script. The first hour of this heavy-handed Ron Howard adaptation wades through writing akin to what you might find in the Nancy Drew/Hardy Boys section of your local library. Thank God Ian McKellen shows up—the man who brought Magneto and Gandalf to life steals every scene he's in as a crippled scholar who gets mixed up with our daring duo. (They should just engrave his name on the Best Supporting Actor Oscar right now.) As for the rest of the film? Don't think about the little things like a linear story line, and you won't be disappointed.