Here’s who’s who, before they blow each other up.
The first Expendables movie was old-school action fun, if a little disappointing in terms of how much screen time some of the bigger names got. The sequel blew the premise out to something that was almost a parody of the first movie, with bigger action, bigger stars, and a lot of riffing on the cast’s traditional catchphrases and personas. The third movie (out August 15, 2014) is sure to be more of the same, but frankly, going by this new teaser trailer, it’ll be a miracle if everyone involved gets to say more than their character’s name before the end credits roll. Check this out:
Phew! That’s quite a lineup. If you can’t figure it out (and the placement of the names in the video is really not helpful), then from left to right, you’ve got: Multiple-belt winning boxer Victor Ortiz; Glen Powell (we think – the dude hasn’t really been in much, and there’s no indication of why he’s in this line-up); Z-slashing enthusiast Antonio Banderas; walking racial epithet-generator and general maniac Mel Gibson; UFC legend and would-be poet Randy Couture; the Swedish Meatball, Dolph Lundgren; vampire-killer extraordinaire Wesley Snipes; the man behind the movie, Sylvester Stallone; straight-to-DVD action staple Jason Statham; martial arts icon Jet Li; walking man-muscle-mountain Terry Crews; Indiana Jones/Han Solo himself, Harrison Ford; the one and only Conan the Republican, Arnold Schwarzenegger; UFC champ and Maxim cover girl Ronda Rousey; and what appears to be some dude from the Twilight movies called Kellan Lutz (again, no fucking clue why he’s being featured with the rest of these guys).
Conspicuous by his absence (especially since his name’s up there) is one Kelsey “Dr. Frasier Crane” Grammer. There’s no official word as to why he’s not featured here, but we’re guessing (praying) it’s because he’s busy getting super, super buff so he can go all shirtless Rambo on everyone else’s ass. Because come on, that would be amazing.