October 30, 2013
If the SAG Awards don’t make you wanna barf, maybe this will. Feast your eyes on the 30 scariest, freakiest, most effed-up flicks ever made, then run to your Netflix account and press play. (Spoiler alert: Get ready for zombies, rolling heads, and deeply unsettling uses of household items.)
1. Scariest Bump In the Night: High Tension (2003)
After watching Alexandre Aja’s horror debut, you’ll be hoping that 2 a.m. thud wasn’t the sound of your dad’s head hitting the floor. Aja’s gruesome decapitation scene may just be the most startling separation orchestrated by a Frenchman since Tony Parker’s split with Eva Longoria.
2. Scariest Take On the Housing Market: Dream Home (2010)
In this gleefully gory Hong Kong slasher that satirizes the property bubble, a woman obsessed with owning the perfect condo drives the price down by butchering others in the building. If you think real estate sounds boring, don’t worry: Two audience members vomited at the premiere.
3. Scariest Dinner Since Meeting Your Girlfriend’s Parents: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)
When Sally is forced to sit down for supper with a dysfunctional cannibal family that’s just murdered her friends, the poor girl can’t make a dent in her plate of (human) sausages. Apologies to Jessica Biel’s overflowing tank top in the remake—the original wins.
4. Scariest Chick Flick: The Descent (2005)
A film about six women embarking on a caving adventure together sounds about as exciting as Crossroads, until you realize the ladies are being hunted by flesh-hungry humanoids.
5. Scariest Use of a Rusty Stapler: The Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence (2011)
A mute security guard who’s obsessed with the original Human Centipede uses a staple gun, knives, crowbars, and duct tape to join his 12 hostages’ asses to each other’s mouths, creating one disgustingly long digestive tract. Hope no one had Indian for dinner.
6. Scariest Mirror Dance: The Silence of the Lambs (1991)
Perhaps horror filmdom’s all-time creepiest shimmy happens when girl-suit-loving serial killer Buffalo Bill opens his robe to show off nipple rings and a carefully tucked mangina while writhing to Q Lazzarus’ “Goodbye Horses.” And you thought your “home alone” dance to Miley Cyrus’ “We Can’t Stop” was freaky!
7. Scariest Two Seconds Ever: Mulholland Dr. (2001)
This isn’t even technically a horror movie, but you’ll still shit your pants when you see what’s behind the diner’s trash bins.
8. Scariest Elijah Wood Performance: Maniac (2013)
Sure, his hobbit feet were kind of unsettling, and he was a complete creep in Sin City, but his role in this horror remake will have you clinging to your scalp.
9. Scariest Mind-Bender: Triangle (2009)
Without giving too much away, it’s set on a boat, people die, and there are at least five versions of the gorgeous Melissa George running around at any given time. As Gene Shalit might say, “Don’t try to see Triangle; just see it!”
10. Scariest Use of a Beauty Aid: Sleepaway Camp (1983)
This schlocky ’80s cut-’em-up has a pedophile cook being scalded to death, a swarm of bees in the boys’ bathroom, and a girl getting impaled “down there” with a red-hot curling iron—just a few deadly camp hijinks. Hello, Muddah, hello, Fadduh: A mystery killer just hacked up your daughter!
11. Scariest Lady-Parts: Teeth (2007)
Fifteen years after Sharon Stone’s sexy Basic Instinct scene, something so disturbing came along that we now flinch every time a pair of legs are uncrossed on-screen.
12. Scariest Sort-Of Remake: Evil Dead (2013)
It may be the first film in the franchise not to be directed by Sam Raimi, but this gore-fest will still make you jump out of your seat and give you a reason to opt out of your cousin’s stripperless cabin-in-the-woods bachelor party.
13. Scariest Way to Test Your Own Sanity: A Serbian Film (2010)
If you make it through this film about a porn star who is conned into making a snuff film, complete with necrophilia and “newborn porn,” it may be time to see a shrink.
14. Scariest Take On Takeout: Dumplings (2004)
An aging actress is rejuvenated by a chef’s special dumplings, which are stuffed with fetuses from a nearby abortion clinic. We’re ordering Mexican tonight.
15. Scariest Child Murderer: Gage in Pet Sematary (1989)
There are a ton of creepy kids in horror movies, but this scalpel-wielding toddler is the worst because he looks just like your adorable nephew. Bring candy next time you visit!