We've been confused and hurt by movies like these in the past. Why can't movie titles just spell it out for us?

<strong>2. Amores Perros</strong>- Since we speak fluent Spanish, we knew that this title translates into "Love Is Like a Dog." This, however, turned out not to be the Spanish-language follow-up to that All Dogs Go to Heaven (Todos los Perros Van al Cielo) bootleg we bought in Tijuana. Man, that was a disturbing two hours. And it probably wasn't a good idea to convince our niece and nephew to watch along with us. Hello, therapy bills.
Suggested Accurate Title: Estrellarse

<strong>1. Men Don't Leave</strong>- Yes, they…[sniffle]…yes, they DO!
Suggested Accurate Title: Men Leave All the Time Because They are Immature Babies Who Are Scared of Making a Commitment for Once in Their Lives

<strong>3. XXX</strong>- Again, we see three "x's" in a row, and the first big, bald dickhead we see on-screen had better not be Vin Diesel. His half-assed Bond film needed three "x's" to capture just how X-treme his character Xander was, and how X-treme the action of his X-tra X-treme special missions were going to be. Get that, bra? We are totally in the realm of extreme extremeness, so you best wear a helmet.
Suggested Accurate Title: James Bond TO THE EXTREME!

<strong>9. Twelve Monkeys</strong><br>- Terry Gilliam, you do not toy with our affection for monkeys. We have the entire Most Valuable Primate series on DVD (Yes, even Most Xtreme Primate), and we expected to see some goddamn monkeys. Instead, we get a bald, drooling Bruce Willis and a cock-eyed Brad Pitt. While that's as close as evolutionarily possible to monkeys, it's still a day late and a dollar short.
Suggested Accurate Title: Time Travel on a Budget

<strong>8. Serenity</strong>- You see a title like that, and you expect the movie equivalent of chamomile tea. You also expect it to be English, and star some actress with three names like Kristin Scott Thomas or somebody. You don't expect a sci-fi flick about a ragtag group of space pirates. That must be why the movie tanked so hard. Well, that and the fact that no one watched the TV show it was based on either. You don't have to be a psychic to see how that one was going to play out.
Suggested Accurate Title: Firefly Fans and the Last-Ditch Write-In Campaign

<strong>7. The Last Samurai</strong>- Sorry…the last samurai in Japan was not a feather-haired Scientologist from L.A. No fucking way. That's like someone coming over here and making The Last Great American Baseball Player and having it all be about Ichiro. Tom Cruise may have learned some life lessons from the sword-swinging dudes in the wicker armor, but there's no way he's left behind to carry on the legacy.
Suggested Accurate Title: The First White Guy With a Samurai Fetish

<strong>10. The Banger Sisters</strong>- OK, when we first saw this title, we turned down the lights and prepared ourselves for two hours of erotica as only Skinemax can deliver it. Wait, what's this? "Starring Susan Sarandon and Goldie Hawn?" Must have been made in the late '70s… Wait, hold up. 2002?!? What the hell is going on here? Turns out it's a weepy chick flick about former sluts, not a sleazy guy flick about current sluts.
Suggested Accurate Title: Two Old Women Reminisce About Being Sluts

<strong>6. Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter</strong>- C'mon, you guys knew full well you weren't done milking this franchise. Why the hell would you even bother using the word "last" in any of the Friday the 13th titles? For that matter, why the hell is part eight called Jason Takes Manhattan when he's only there for the last five minutes of the movie and doesn't do jack shit? We get a feeling you guys aren't taking this seriously.
Suggested Accurate Title: Friday the 13: Yes, Again.

<strong>5. Snatch</strong>- Oh, Guy Ritchie, you cheeky bastard! You call your diamond heist movie Snatch because you know we're going to be standing around the concession stand wondering why they don't have fur burgers, pink tacos, or bearded clams on the menu. We have a one-track mind, and we always regret taking it out for a movie date. It always ends in tears and punctured popcorn containers.
Suggested Accurate Title: Britain's Eleven

<strong>4. The Squid and the Whale</strong>- Did anyone guess that this movie was about marital strife in 1980s Brooklyn? We were prepared to listen to Morgan Freeman narrate the harsh daily struggle of nature's two biggest aquatic phenomena. Nope. Instead we get a kid smearing man-batter on library books and drinking beer. If we wanted to see that we'd have stayed home and Web-cammed ourselves for two hours.
Suggested Accurate Title: The Prick and the Whore