Their complete disinterest in making movies couldn't be more obvious if they just filmed themselves flipping off the camera for two hours. If it's so painful—just quit already.



1. Harrison Ford
This guy used to be magnetic enough to steal scenes from a seven-foot Wookiee. For the Star Wars sequel, they had to go DEFCON (Colt) 45 and bring in Billy Dee Williams in order to present someone who could compete on the charisma meter. And Indiana Jones? The man. Plain and simple. But apparently, being cool is too much to handle once you hit 60, so Ford has devolved into a humorless lump of anti-personality. Hey, if you want to live out your golden years in Montanan seclusion, no one's stopping you, pal.



2. Robert DeNiro/Al Pacino
The perfect two-fer. Not only don't either of them give a shit about cultivating a respectable career anymore, but each cynical, Meet the Parents in 88 Minutes step they take further tarnishes anything cool they once did. Why don't you both righteously mercy-kill your careers now, and spare us your humiliating decent into Marlon Brando-ism?



3. Eddie Murphy
Speaking of tarnishing… remember when Eddie Murphy was a dangerous loose cannon who tore through movies like a wise-cracking tornado? Yeah, we're talking about the same dude from Norbit. Murphy thinks that becoming "family friendly" has saved his career, when in fact it's killing him with each painful camera mug. Kids don't think he's funny and adults can only think of a time when he did stand-up films like Delirious that shocked us and, more importantly, cracked us up. Give it up, man. Oh, and fuck your couch.



4. Joaquin Phoenix
He's halfway there—but saying you're quitting, while simultaneously hogging more spotlight with your petulant whining about being in the spotlight isn't the same as actually quitting. Think you're depriving us of your talent? Think again. You won't be missed—there are least four self-important douchebags who can easily take your place. How hard is it to mumble anyway? Say "bye good" for real, ya brat.



5. Mel Gibson
Wow, Mel Gibson hates you and his career so much that he's pushed aside being an "actor" in favor of directing obtuse, self-indulgent movies in dead languages. He can't scream his irritation any louder, so let's give him what he wants and let him go away. He's clearly much happier away from the glare of the spotlight and constant requests for autographs, in favor of the glare of police Mag Lites and constant requests to touch his nose with his index finger.



6. George Lucas
The only non-actor on the list, but you understand. We haven't seen someone milk a dead cash cow for like this since Larry Birkhead. Not only has Lucas ruined the one thing that made him a legend to begin with, he constantly whines about putting Star Wars aside and going back to making small arthouse films. NO ONE IS STOPPING YOU, GEORGE. Do it. Walk away. But, honestly, we'd rather you just retire completely, so that you and your green-screen laziness can never infect another franchise again.



7. Dan Aykroyd
With rumors of Ghostbusters 3: The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull in the works, we feel the need to nip this one in the bud. Aykroyd started out skinny and cool back in the SNL/Blues Brothers days, and added lameness with each new fat roll. Now, he's just "the dad" in a series of shitty coming-of-age films, which does not have us excited at all about watching him guilt Bill Murray into phoning in a way-too-late franchise ruiner.



8. Jack Nicholson
The Departed should have been a homerun for Jack—playing a badass crime boss in a Scorsese film? But while Matt Damon and Leo DiCaprio rose to the occasion, Jack decided to play Frank Costello as, well, The Joker. Cackling, waving a rubber dick around—c'mon, Jack. We love you, but you've actually become a caricature of a cartoon character you once played. We want cool, intimidating Jack, we don't want grandpa-off-his-meds Jack.



9. Kevin Costner
Know how Kevin drowned out the audience snoring during screenings of Swing Vote? By snoring even louder on screen. His last three roles could have been played by a Xeroxed headshot taped to a boom mic for all the effort and interest he put into them. Clearly, he quit acting four years ago and just forgot to remind himself. Well, let us do that for you, Kev…