Crossing Over

Rating:


Directed by: Wayne Kramer

The Skinny: Imagine if the movie Crash were about racism and immigration, and you have some idea of what Crossing Over is. A series of interwining stories follow the likes of a conscience-plagued immigration officer (Harrison Ford), his Iranian partner (Cliff Curtis—Hollywood's all-purpose-ethnicity actor), a human rights lawyer (Ashley Judd), and her scumbag, green-card-processing husband (Ray Liotta).

The Good: Honestly? Not much. We would point out that Alice Eve (playing an Australian actress looking to gain a green card) gets naked a lot, but don't you expect more from us than that? (Don't answer). Otherwise, this one pretty much fails on all cylinders.

The Bad: Harrison Ford used to have charisma. Han Solo. Indiana Jones. Even his corporate schmuck in Working Girl. What happened? Now he's just a giant turd on the screen—an emotionless, enthusiasm-less dump that gets out-acted by his suit jackets. His performance is made worse because Crossing Over is a whirlpool of misplaced sentiment, confused messages, and Lifetime movie cliches. It's laughable in all the places it shouldn't be laughable.

OK, Fine: Alice Eve gets naked a lot, and it's the movie's sole saving grace. There? Happy now?

Theater, DVD, or TNT in Five Years? Since TNT will cut out all the aforementioned nudity…just ignore this and wait for screengrabs to pop up online.

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Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li

Rating:


Directed by: Andrzej Bartkowiak

The Skinny: A young woman named Chun-Li (Kristin Kreuk) travels to Bangkok to seek revenge for the death of her father because…that's what a mysterious scroll told her to do. She totally sucks at fighting, but then this dude comes and goes, "Hey, I'll teach you how to fight!" and then…does. Li uses her newfound fireball-making ability to exact revenge on a baddie named Bison. Yeah, it was awesome.

The Good: Black Eyed Peas' Taboo, playing Vega, gets his ass kicked. We were just happy to see that happen. There are also considerably less annoying Street Fighter characters than the original train wreck. We're not sure how good that is, but it's better than bad, right?

The Bad: Really, truly, everything. But what do you expect from the director of the equally-laughable video game adaptation Doom, and three movies starring DMX (Romeo Must Die, Exit Wounds, Cradle 2 the Grave)? Anchoring the marginal acting are horribly written and even more horribly delivered "tough-guy" lines that'll make you cringe like someone cut one in the theater. And, then there are the chi fireballs, which make only three appearances and look like spinning globs of glowing tumbleweed. It's Street Fighter—at least attempt to get the fireballs correct.

Street Fighter's Life Lessons:
Michael Clarke Duncan is a world-class archer.
If you're been beaten senseless in the subway, Hong Kong citizens will not help you.
Chris Klein requires a close-up whenever he speaks and, coincidentally, always provides the perfect transition to the next scene.
Balrog is the only one who delivers the mail in Bison's mega-corporation.
Bangkok gangsters hang out in alleyways, drinking beer and burping; they all know a very high-level of martial arts.
You can research secret organizations at any local Internet cafe.
Bison can deliver babies via C-section using his bare hands.
Vega may be from Spain, but he has a Brooklyn accent.
Bison hired his henchman from the set of Boondock Saints 2. If you get shot in the arm, you don't have to treat it until the morning after.
America, take note: All valuable information can be acquired through torture.
Chun-Li is a murderer.
The best way to end a movie is with scuttlebutt around the watercooler.

Theater, DVD, or TNT in Five Years? We wouldn't even torrent this. We're going to go fire up Street Fighter IV and pretend this never happened.