BEST PICTURE
Public Enemies - Johnny Depp and Christian Bale going head-to-head in a period crime epic? Director Michael Mann could retitle this Public Display of Oscar-Baiting.
The Lovely Bones - Peter Jackson emerges from The Shire to direct a weepy tale based on one of Oprah's favorite books. It's Academy catnip.
Nine - The only thing Oscar loves more than musicals are musicals that make them look smart. Nine is based on a Fellini film, so there you go.
Untitled Clint Eastwood Project - Doesn't matter what it is. What part of CLINT EASTWOOD is unclear?
500 Days of Summer - No idea what this movie is about, but it was a Hit at Sundance™, so, you know, it'll get nominated.


BEST ACTOR
Johnny Depp (Public Enemies) - The poster can't make the point any clearer: Click here, then here.
Viggo Mortensen (The Road) - A Cormac McCarthy adaptation that requires Viggo to be stoic and morally upright for nearly the entire running time? Bingo.
Adam Sandler (Funny People) - The left-field choice. Judd Apatow's Funny People is probably aiming more at poignant than crude, and may surprise people by actually being touching. And Sandler still has at least a shred of Punch-Drunk Love cred left.
Russell Crowe (State of Play) - Russ playing intense in a twisty political thriller. Yawn.


BEST ACTRESS
Sasha Grey  (The Girlfriend Experience) - Think of the pre-show Barbara Walters interview for this one! Hardcore teen porn star-turned-Oscar-nom! The Academy loves a good story.
Meryl Streep (Julie and Julia) - See Crowe, Russell.
Helen Mirren (State of Play) - There has to be at least one British actress nominated. It's the law.
Melanie Laurent (Inglorious Bastards) - Not only hot, French, and the surprise star of Tarantino's WWII movie, but once also made an adult film. Laurent v. Grey in the porniest Oscars ever!


BEST DIRECTOR
Steven Soderbergh (The Girlfriend Experience) - Making a "real" movie with a porn star and having it be good is a bigger coup than anything Danny Ocean could pull off.
Peter Jackson (The Lovely Bones) - Again, never underestimate the power of the Poprah. And Jackson's already in the Oscar club.
Clint Eastwood (Untitled Clint Eastwood Project) - Look, how many more chances are they going to have to fete this guy?
Quentin Tarantino (Inglorious Bastards) - The Academy is notorious for missing the boat and rewarding directors for movies they don't necessarily deserve an Oscar for in order to make up for egregious past oversights (see: Martin Scorsese, Steven Spielberg), so this will be QT's nod to make amends for Pulp Fiction losing out to Forrest fucking Gump.

RANDOM PREDICTIONS
Wes Anderson's The Fantastic Mr. Fox will finally give Pixar (who has Up! this year) a decent challenge in Best Animated Film.

James Cameron's ground-breaking 3-D epic Avatar will not only win every technical award, they will invent new technical awards to give it.

Hugh Jackman will not host. X-Men Origins: Wolverine will not be nominated for anything.

Steven Soderbergh's Che will not get nominated because too many elderly Academy members will pass away during its four-hour screening sessions.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen will lose out in every tech category to Avatar, cementing Michael Bay's status as the poor man's James Cameron.

Several foreign and indie films will get nominated despite no one outside of the casts' close family members having seen them.