So you're gearing up for a weekend spent in the dark with your girl - before you load up that NetFlix queue or get online at Blockbuster, you need to have a solid, foolproof game plan.

That's where we come in.

Allow us to present our weekly DVD-siac Movie Three-Pack, a collection of recent releases and old favorites that we guarantee will get lucky this weekend, in one way or another.

THE CHICK FLICK YOU CAN TOLERATE
Plan A: Show your sensitive side…within reason. Grab a "chick flick" that at least has some redeeming value so that you can stay awake along enough for her to reward your gallant show of sensitivity. This week, we recommend:


Chungking Express
New to Blu-Ray, this 1994 Hong Kong arthouse movie is anything but a dull rom-com. Stylish, mysterious, and sexy, it ticks off boxes that both of you will appreciate. Sure, there's a noticeable lack of martial arts, but once you get into its peculiar, dream-like vibe you'll be won over. If not, you can at least enjoy the pretty Blu-Ray colors. And the pretty Faye Wong.

THE GUY FLICK SHE CAN TOLERATE
Plan B: She has a headache, she has to get up early, her football injury is acting up - in short, you're looking at a dry night ahead. But, hey, you still want to spend some time together, so forgo the romance and put something that leans a little more on the "guy" side without leaving her in the cold. This week, we recommend:


Zack and Miri Make a Porno
This may actually qualify as a Chick Flick You Can Tolerate, because it soon becomes clear that this is more "cheesy, sentimental" Kevin Smith and less "wall-to-wall raunch" Kevin Smith. Still, there are enough dick and poop jokes to make you chuckle like the chimp you are, and enough attempts at "heart" to keep her eyes from rolling too frequently.  

YOUR MOVIE
Plan C: That yawn means, "I'm getting some beauty rest, so why don't you put that diving rod of yours on ice and watch something without me?" The downside: No sex. The upside: You can watch the movie you really wanted to watch, her feelings or interest level be damned. This week, we recommend:


Punisher War Zone
We've warned you twice - this is by no means a "good" movie, but when else are you going to have a chance to watch and judge for yourself? There's absolutely zip in this movie that will interest her, and even if you don't really end up liking it you at least get a decent amount of exploded craniums to keep you from dozing off, too.