12 ROUNDS
Rating:


Directed by: Renny Harlin

The Skinny: A routine night on the beat leads Detective Danny Fisher (WWE's John Cena) into a chance encounter with the notorious Aidan Gillen (Miles Jackson) and his girlfriend after a robbery. Fisher apprehends the criminal mastermind at the expense of his lady friend who dies in the chase. A year later, Gillen springs himself from prison and kidnaps Fisher's girlfriend, promising to exact his revenge unless the hero cop successfully completes 12 challenges and feats of strength.

The Good: The sight of a professional wrestler's name in the cast may have you thinking "disaster," but Cena actually fits the role well. Sure, the plot takes a meatheaded approach to police investigation, opting to bullrush a singular hulked-up cop across all of New Orleans rather than putting the region on high alert. But, if you can look past the obvious "Why the hell didn't they just do that?" kind of moments, you'll be entertained—at least a little bit.

The Bad: Renny Harlin's choice to rehash the hidden-explosives-somewhere-in-the-city plot from Die Hard With a Vengeance and the out-of-control public transportation vehicles from Speed makes 12 Rounds seem boringly all-too-familiar. The action feels forced and some sequences could've used a few more hours in the CG department. And, while we hate to rag on hotties, Ashley Scott turns in a pretty forgettable performance as Fisher's kidnapped girlfriend. Luckily, we have photos to help us remember her quality work.

He Tells All! John Cena explains why all of his movie wives get kidnapped and how he overcame his fear of heights to jump out of helicopters and hang off the side of buildings.

Theater, DVD, or TNT in five years? A great showcase of New Orleans with some serviceable action makes this ripe for home viewing.

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THE HAUNTING IN CONNECTICUT
Rating:


Directed by: Peter Cornwell

The Skinny: This movie is “based on a true story”, which is a common screenwriter code-word for “preposterous, convoluted, totally made up story.” The plot is not unlike any number of recent, PG-13 ghost stories that masquerade as horror flicks, but in actuality, are just spectral whodunits that ask the question: why the ghosts be hauntin’? It's like a slightly more sophisticated version of the RL Stine’s Goosebumps. “A Haunting in Connecticut” is about a family with a cancer kid that makes the unfortunate mistake of renting a dilapidated house in, wait for it, Connecticut, a state lousy with the ghosts of WASPs past and present.

The Good: It’s a horror movie that Humbert Humbert can take a date to, because she’ll get in? But seriously, in the first half an hour, you will walk away with valuable information, like, when renting a creaking old house, always check the basement for ancient scenes of ghastly slaughter. And also, the moment your creaking old house starts to moan, bleed, shake, call up the nice guy who sold you the house in the first reel of the movie. Say “Can I haz my monez back plz?”

The Bad: It’s just not a horror movie. The mystery is the driving narrative force, and once it’s resolved, it’s time to ditch the coda. Plus: I don’t know what comes after cliché, but whatever it is, it’s basically creepy, phantasmagoric children in every horror movie made in the last fifteen years.

Tantalizing Tidbits: Elias Koteas has some fun in the movie, doing a fantastic Robert De Niro impersonation, and he should make more movies playing Robert De Niro. It’s not like Robert De Niro is doing them well.

More Tantalizing Tidbits: Keep an eye out for the future sequels “A Haunting in Indiana” and “A Haunting in Luxemburg.”

Theater, DVD, or TNT in five years? This movie should only be seen by twelve year-olds hanging out at the mall, waiting for Mom to get out of Bloomingdales.