G.I. Joe may be America's premiere fighting force, but sometimes certain members slip through the cracks and cause us to reconsider the faith we put in the defenders of our freedom. Blame it on loose basic training standards, quotas, or political correctness, but some of these militar-iots shouldn't be trusted with child-proof caps much less multi-billion dollar weaponry. In honor of the G.I. Joe movie, get to know some of our favorite national embarrassments. Because knowing is half the battle.

Chuckles
Where do we start? "Chuckles," as a nickname, is almost never used in an endearing way. It's never, "Hey, Chuckles! Let's go get a beer!" It's usually, "Hey, nice faceplant, Chuckles." And the Army only issues Hawaiian shirts to people they want to get shot immediately.

Fast Draw
There's nothing "fast" about this loser. What is his uniform made out of? Styrofoam packing material and bubble wrap? Clearly, this is a man who can't be trusted not to hurt himself or others. He's the human equivalent of those rounded scissors they give the slow kids.

Footloose
He got his call sign, presumably, because he was a former high school track star and not because he often expresses his anger in elaborate dance montages. Regardless—those fatigues with that 'stache mean only one of two possible things: "I have declared my back yard an independent nation" or "I have a colleciton of bloodied children's shoes in my shed."

Sgt. Slaughter
Ex-professional wrestlers have a lot of viable career options: Action movie hero, governor, head of PR for Earl's Discount Auto Parts. But if you expect to pursue a military career dressed as the first Marine to storm the beaches of Fire Island, you are seriously pushing your luck. What could be more humiliating that giving a roster spot in the country's most elite fighting force to a guy who used to routinely lose to Junkyard Dog?

The Fridge
…Oh, right. The worst part? His roster spot had previously been earmarked for Walter Payton.

Gung Ho
You think we're going right for the hairless chest, giant tattoo, and American Apparel vest, don't you? Nope. We have only one question for Mr. Ho: Teal? Seriously? You're comfortable heading into battle wearing head to toe teal? You look like a crossing guard from Ibiza.

Hardball
Being a "Joe" requires a gimmick. We get that. But this guy's gimmick is, what? "I'd rather have been a pro baseball player but I suck worse than A-Rod in September?" or "My fatigues were issued by Osh Kosh B'gosh." He's like that annoying kid on your block who still wants to go down to the park and play catch when you and your buddies have moved on to petty theft and sexual harrassment.

Ice Cream Soldier
According to the official "Joe" files, he's called "Ice Cream Soldier" in order to throw off Cobra. You see, if Cobra hears "send in Ice Cream Soldier" they don't expect a guy with a flamethrower. We're not making that up. Rejected call signs were "send in Hello Kitty," "send in Captain Hugs," and "send in Cobra's Bestest BFF Ever!" You can see why, for the Joes, "counter-intelligence" has a double meaning.

Quick Kick
Fuck you, Quick Kick. You show up to defend civilization in your PJs and expect us to be all, "Ancient Chinese secret, huh?" Forget it. At least put on some goddamn slippers.

Repeater
Again, you might be able to sell a call sign based on a euphemism for farting if you outfitted yourself like a world-saving badass and not a guy who spends his downtime playing Tetris and masturbating.

Skidmark
"Repeater? You and Skidmark need to canvas the area." Skidmark? That's like one of the insulting nicknames they give to pledges during Rush Week. You just know he hangs around the base cantina trying to come up with made-up call signs just in case some local chicks asks him what his is. "Me? I'm, uh, they call me, Car…Master. No, no, wait! I'm TurboThrusterPuma. Yeah. That's it."

Destro
We were limiting this list to members of G.I. Joe only, but there's no ignoring this. Destro started out as a mysterious man in a silver mask in head-to-toe black. He was an enigma. A Darth Vader-esque cool baddie. And then…someone decided he needed a new look. You could suggest Leopard print, purple, and pink to Liberace's wedding planner and he'd smack you upside the head.