Just because a movie is rated "R" for "nudity and sexual situations" doesn't mean you're always going to get a loin-heating treat. You may actually be getting…some of this.
449630251- The only thing more frightening than Jack's make-out session with the mold- and sore-covered octogenarian in the bathtub is the notion that, at some point, he also had sex with Shelley Duvall. Yeeesh. That kind of thing would make us completely lose our shit, too.
449630289- Lovebirds: Woody Harrelson and Lin Shaye
It's the kind of setup that has launched a thousand porn movies: Poor tenant can't afford the rent, has to come up with "some other way" to appease the landlord. Unfortunately, the tenant is balding loser Harrelson and the landlord is nicotine-stained Shaye. Is it any wonder that going south on her veiny, decrepit womanhood haunts Woody for the rest of the movie?
449630314- Lovebirds: Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez
Leave it to "Bennifer" to ruin every man's fantasy of being able to lure a hot lesbian onto "Team Hetero." With two words—"gobble, gobble"—we know exactly why he ran into the arms of Jennifer Garner and she shacked up with Skeletor. We haven't seen chemistry go this awry since we tried to mix crystal meth in our dorm room microwave.
449630267- Lovebirds: Ryan Reynolds and Cynthia Fancher
Why is this pairing of young stud with toothless, hairless elderly authority figure worse than Kingpin? Because Reynold's ploy to seduce a tuition-payment extension out of Fancher turned out to be completely unnecessary. But at least he now knows firsthand what whiskey, cat piss, denture cream, and sweat smell like up close. We're thinking "potpourri."
449630333- Lovebirds: James Spader and Rosanna Arquette
Regardless of how distasteful most of the previous couplings have been, at least they all involved the use of normal human orifices. In Crash (David Cronenberg's movie about car crash fetishes, not the racism lecture penned by the rich white guy), we have the unfortunate pairing of Spader's penis and a huge gash in the back of Arquette's leg. Sorry, even we have limits.
449630232- Lovebirds: William H. Macy and Maria Bello
If you asked 10 random women which actor they'd most like to see buck naked screwing a cocktail waitress, not only would zero of them say Macy, at least seven of them would go out of their way to say, "Anyone, as long as it isn't William H. Macy." Bello went "warts and all," too. But c'mon—would you work out strenuously if you knew your costar was only going to be Macy?
449630356- Lovebirds: Julian McMahon and Rosie O'Donnell
Rosie. Fucking. O'Donnell. Having sex. On camera. It's nice to see that Satan is getting some directing work on cable. We don't know what kind of bet McMahon lost, but having to hump O'Donnell—who can't even shut up during this, either!—is a fate worse than Fantastic Four. When will Barbara Walters finally shank her backstage and end the torture for all of us?
449630376- Team America: World Police
Lovebirds: Gary and Lisa
Puppet sex. It used to exist only in the dressing rooms of The Muppet Show or in the dark recesses of Fraggle Rock—but Team America brought it into the light, and showed us every 69-ing, golden showering moment of it. If this didn't turn you on, you have a healthy, perfectly normal sex appetite; and that makes you totally boring. Enjoy your missionary sex, Gandhi!
449630212- Lovebirds: Joe Pesci and Sharon Stone
Pairing Stone with Pesci is like watching a Chihuahua hump Yao Ming's leg. It doesn't matter that Stone's desperate mob wife was willing to do anything to get her hands on wealth, this coupling is a crime against nature and physics. Although it is rumored to be a favorite of Tom Cruise's.