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This Week’s Movies Previewed (By Our Dogs)

What do the Maxim dogs think of Snitch, Stand Off, and Dark Skies?

 

Snitch

Out Feb 22, Rated PG-13

 


Photo Courtesy of Summit Entertainment

 

Holly’s take:

“This looks like a fun way to pass a couple hours – it doesn’t look amazing, but it doesn’t look bad, either. And besides, it’s got The Rock in it, and every time The Rock flashes his big, pearly-white Rock smile, I spontaneously go into heat and start humping the furniture. Just sayin’.”

 

Dexter’s take:

“At first glance, this looks like an average action thriller about an ordinary guy going undercover with a Mexican drug cartel to get his son out of prison, but the cast definitely puts it a cut above the usual stuff. As Holly says, Dwayne Johnson is always super likeable, but with a cast rounded out by Susan Sarandon, Benjamin Bratt, Nadine Velazquez, Walking Dead’s Jon Bernthal and, best of all, Michael Kenneth Williams, AKA The Wire’s Omar Little, this film definitely has my attention. Especially if there’s lots of quick, random action and possibly someone repeatedly throwing a stick.”

 

Billie’s take:

“WHERE I’M FROM, SNITCHES GET STITCHES! ‘SNITCHES’ IS MY COUSIN, HE’S VERY CLUMSY AND FALLS OVER A LOT.”

 

 

 

 

Stand Off

Out Feb 22, Rated R

 


Photo Courtesy of Ketchup Entertainment

 

Holly’s take:

“There were about 15 different plots in this trailer – something about a guy whose son gets kidnapped, then he tries to rob a fish market, then he takes hostages in a bar, then he gets involved in a rare coin heist, then there’s some weird comedy stuff with Brendan Fraser and a pushchair before people start firing bazookas – but it looks ok. Brendan Fraser definitely does not do it for me in the same way as The Rock does, though. I’d let him pet me, but there’s no way he’s getting to sixth base (if you’re not a dog, trust me, you don’t want to know what that is).”

 

Dexter’s take:

“Probably the main thing you need to know about Stand Off is that, while being marketed as an action movie over here – complete with Brendan Fraser holding an assault rifle on the poster, looking about as menacing as a sad bunny – it was originally released in Europe as a black comedy called Whole Lotta Sole (because it involves a fish market, and the British enjoy puns), so you should probably know what you’re getting into here.”

 

Billie’s take:

“WHY WOULD YOU ROB A FISH MARKET? FISH ARE AWFUL. I TRIED TO EAT A FISH ONCE AND IT KICKED ME IN THE FACE REPEATEDLY WITH ITS MASSIVE HOOVES! NOW I THINK ABOUT IT, I MAY HAVE BEEN CONFUSING ‘FISH’ WITH ‘HORSE’.”

 

 

 

 

Dark Skies

Out Feb 22, Rated PG-13

 


Photo Courtesy of Dimension Films
 

 

Holly’s take:

“Another make-you-jump-so-hard-you-shit-your-pants horror movie from the guys behind Paranormal Activity? Uh-uh. No thanks. I’m faking an injury and staying home. Screw you guys.”

 

Dexter’s take:

“I’m not much of a horror movie fan, but I’m genuinely intrigued by this one. The idea of a Paranormal Activity-style movie with an alien abduction/sci-fi twist is actually pretty great, and even the two and a half minute trailer made me anxious. I’m going to say give it a try, but I can promise you I’ll be sleeping with the lights on afterwards. I don’t have much of a choice – I’m a dog, and I can’t reach the light switch.”

 

Billie’s take:

“I WAS ONCE WHISKED AWAY BY A STRANGE CRAFT AND SUBJECTED TO WEEKS OF ANAL PROBING, VIVISECTION, AND STRANGE, ALIEN BEHAVIOR. STILL, THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR BOOKING A CHEAP CRUISE.”  

 

 

 

 

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