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This Week’s Movies Rated (By Dogs)

Looper, Won’t Back Down and Hotel Transylvania (in other news: Our dogs can talk).

 

Looper

Out September 28, Rated  R

 


Courtesy of Tri-Star Pictures

 

Holly’s take:

“Watching this movie was like getting brain-fucked by a time-traveling shotgun! In a good way! Very roughly, it’s about a guy (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) who gets paid to assassinate people who are being sent back in time by gangsters, but then one day his future self (Bruce Willis) shows up for him to kill and shit gets crazy. Then it all takes a weird horror twist in the second half and gets even crazier. It’s weird, action-packed and bloody - just the way I like it!”

 

Dexter’s take:

“This was an interesting movie, with a nice streak in self-awareness: Bruce Willis in particular has a moment where you expect him to explain how all the time travel stuff works, and instead, just goes, “It doesn’t fucking matter!” I liked that a lot. I also liked the week-old muffin I found under the couch this morning.”

 

Billie’s take:

“PEOPLE PUT DRUGS IN THEIR EYES AND OTHER PEOPLE EXPLODED IN BLOOD SHOWERS AND ONE DUDE STARTED FALLING INTO SMALL PIECES BECAUSE HE WAS BEING TORTURED IN THE PAST AND IT ALL MADE ME FEEL A BIT FUNNY SO I HAD A LIE DOWN AND THEN I POOPED IN MY OWN BED AND THEN I ATED IT.”

 


Courtesy of Tri-Star Pictures

 

Won’t Back Down

Out September 28, Rated  PG

 


Courtesy of Walden Media

 

Holly’s take:

“The trailer for this movie about a mom fighting to improve the inner city school her daughter attends looked okay at first – you know, in a sort of, “I could watch that with my girlfriend” kind of a way. But then that Kelly Clarkson song about “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” came on and completely ruined it. Hey Kelly, you know what? I once had a friend who could bench press twice his own body weight. Then he got hit by a truck. Short version? It did not make him stronger. So, shut the fuck up.”

 

Dexter’s take:

“This is based on a true story, although it looks like they’ve shoehorned a little romance in there, too, just for the hell of it. Still, no harm in that: A little romance can go a long way toward helping you invest in the emotional state of the characters. Doesn’t  work on me, of course – I had my balls chopped off in ’05.”

 

Billie’s take:

“THERE WAS A LOT OF TALKING AND PEOPLE SITTING IN ROOMS LOOKING MISERABLE SO I GOT BORED AND ATE A YUCCA PLANT. IT TASTED HURTY!”

 


Courtesy of Walden Media

 

Hotel Transylvania

Out September 28, Rated  PG

 


Courtesy of Sony Pictures

 

Holly’s take:

“This kiddie movie looks like it’d be a fun way to waste a couple hours with the nieces and nephews. I personally have 68 children from seven different fathers, so I’m not really that picky about what I watch, so long as it makes them shut up for five minutes.”

 

Dexter’s take:

“It’s not the most original concept – monster’s daughter wants to date normal human boy – but it looks fun enough, and there’s a great voice cast: Adam Sandler, Selena Gomez, Andy Samberg, Kevin James, Steve Buscemi, Molly Shannon…more funny people than you can shake a stick at. Wait, stick? Who said stick?

 

Billie’s take:

“THERE WAS LOADS OF BRIGHT COLORS AND ROUNDY SHAPES AND IT TICKLED MY EYEBALLS SO I LICKED THEM AND THEN EVERYTHING LOOKED LIKE A BIG TONGUE!”

 


Courtesy of Sony Pictures

 

For more Dog Reviews, go here!

To see more of Looper's Emily Blunt, go here!