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This Week’s Movies Rated (By Dogs)

Taken 2, Butter and Frankenweenie (in other news: Our dogs can talk).

 

Taken 2

Out October 4, Rated PG-13

 


Photo Courtesy of Twentieth Century Fox

 

Holly’s take:

"From what we’ve seen in the trailers, this is basically the same movie as last time, but hey, if it involves Liam Neeson fucking up bad guys, who’s complaining, right? As far as I can tell, Neeson is taking revenge on the surviving bad guys from the first film for taking revenge on him for taking revenge on them for trying to steal his daughter (is that the right order?) I’ll be honest, I’m so excited for this movie that all eight of my nipples are tingling."

 

Dexter’s take:

"I thought the first Taken was the most unintentionally hilarious film I’d seen in years – there was a henchman that was actually called Number 2! – but I’m fine with violent popcorn fluff you don’t have to think about: It means I won’t miss any important plot points when I’m licking my own genitals for 20 straight minutes."

 

Billie’s take:

"SHOOTY SHOOTY BANG BANG BANG IT WENT AND THEN MORE SHOOTY BANG BANG AND I MADE NOISES ALONG WITH IT THAT WENT BARK BARK BARK WOOF GROWL BUT IT DIDN’T SOUND MUCH LIKE SHOOTY SHOOTY BANG BANG AND THEN SOMEONE HIT ME ON THE NOSE WITH A ROLLED UP NEWSPAPER I THINK IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN LIAM NEESON!"

 


Photo Courtesy of Twentieth Century Fox

 

Butter

Out October 5, Rated R

 


Photo Courtesy of The Weinstein Company

 

Holly’s take:

"If you’re not familiar with butter carving, that’s when silly humans in Iowa have competitions to see who can carve the best sculpture out of the delicious salty yellow cow goo, rather than doing something sensible with it, like frying bacon in it, then putting the pan down on the floor for me to lick. Anyway, this flick about a butter carving contest looks like the sort of spiky, witty indie comedy that’ll likely go under the radar but do well on DVD. I think it looks pretty funny, although if my owner wasted butter like that, I’d tear her butter-wasting fucking face off."

 

Dexter’s take:

"This movie has a great cast – Jennifer Garner, Olivia Wilde, Ashley Greene, Alicia Silverstone, Hugh Jackman and more. That’s definitely the sort of cast I’d trust to pull off a movie of this kind. Or to actually throw a ball when they say they’re going to, instead of just pretending and then laughing at me when I run off. That makes me sad."

 

Billie’s take:

"I TRIED TO LICK THE SCREEN WHEN I SAW ALL THE BUTTER AND IT TASTED LIKE DUST AND OLD SOCKS AND THEN I REMEMBERED I WAS ACTUALLY LOOKING AT A DUSTY OLD SOCK AND NOT A SCREEN AT ALL AND THEN I ATED IT ANYWAY."

 


Photo Courtesy of The Weinstein Company

 

Frankenweenie

Out October 5, Rated PG

 


Photo Courtesy of Walt Disney Pictures

 

Holly’s take:

"This looks like cute, kid-and-adult-friendly fun, although I find the idea of a dead dog being brought back to life by lightning, Frankenstein’s Monster-style, to be somewhat distasteful, especially in light of what happened to my Uncle Jojo when he peed on that electricity pylon."

 

Dexter’s take:

"It’s hard to remember after years of drek like Alice In Wonderland and Charlie And The Chocolate Factory, but there was a time when Tim Burton made brilliant movies: dark, funny, tender and beautifully strange weirdness like Beetlejuice, Edward Scissorhands and Ed Wood. It’s too early to say for sure, but going by the trailer, it certainly looks like he’s managed to recapture some of that lost magic with Frankenweenie. I hope I’m not wrong: I bet nextdoor’s cat I’d eat the contents of her litter tray if it sucks, and I normally only like to do that at Christmas."

 

Billie’s take:

"I GOT SCARED BY ALL THE DEAD DOG THINGS AND JUMPED INTO THE TOILET AND CAUGHT A COLD SO NOW I HAVE TO WEAR A STUPID HAT."

 


Photo Courtesy of Walt Disney Pictures

 

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