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This Week’s Movies Rated (By Dogs)

Seven Psychopaths, Argo, and Here Comes The Boom (in other news: Our dogs can talk).

Seven Psychopaths
Out October 12, Rated R


Photo: CBS Films

Holly's take:

“Not going to lie – I’m uncomfortable with any movie whose plot revolves around people who kidnap dogs for a living. That said, the trailer looks fucking hilarious. This is exactly the sort of comedy I like: weird, dirty and mean-spirited. But seriously – no more dognapping, Hollywood, or I’ll bite your dick off.”

Dexter's take:

“This film looks like it’s going to be fantastic - Woody Harrelson as a vicious gangster, Colin Farrell and Sam Rockwell playing jerks (they’re both so, so good at it – check them out in In Bruges and Choke respectively if you don’t believe me) and Christopher Walken being a complete weirdo. Throw in Abbie Cornish and Olga Kurylenko, and that’s the sort of cast that could make my little red penis hard!”

Billie's take:

“I GOT DOGNAPPED ONCE AND WHEN I GOT RESCUED THE POLICEMAN DROPPED ME ON MY HEAD BUT FORTUNATELY IT DIDN’T AFFECT ME AND I’M STILL A FULLY FUNCTIONAL HORSE.”


Photo: CBS Films

Argo
Out October 12, Rated R


Photo: Warner Bros. Pictures

Holly’s take:

“This is one crazy story – in a nutshell, six Americans escape the embassy in Tehran when it gets taken over by Iranian revolutionaries in 1979, and the CIA manages to sneak them out of the country by pretending they’re part of a Canadian production company making a sci-fi movie. The really incredible part is that it’s based on real life events. Not like that fraudulent fuck Lassie!”

Dexter’s take:

“This is a good week for kick-ass casts! Affleck’s been doing good work lately, especially as a director, and Alan Arkin and John Goodman always knock it out of the park. The real treat here for me though is Bryan “Walter White” Cranston. I enjoy watching him even more than I enjoy making my owner feel awkward by staring at him while he’s masturbating. And that’s a lot!”

Billie’s take:

“BEN AFFLECK’S HAIR MADE ME FEEL WEIRD SO I POOPED IN A SHOE UNTIL I FELT BETTER.”


Photo: Warner Bros. Pictures

Here Comes The Boom
Out October 12, Rated PG


Photo: Sony Pictures

Holly’s take:

“You know what movie I loved and totally didn’t expect to? Warrior. You know what movie I totally didn’t expect to see remade as a comedy, only a year later? Warrior. This movie about an out-of-shape teacher trying to save his school by fighting MMA matches looks like it could kill 90 minutes easily enough, although I’m mostly just wondering what 2011 dramas we’re going to get comedy takes on next – Tree Of Life? Drive? 127 Hours? Actually, you know what? I would totally watch comedy versions of any of those. Have at it, Hollywood!”

Dexter’s take:

“Remember what I told you about great casts this week? Well, say hello to Salma Hayek and Henry ‘The Fonz’ Winkler! Also – I know he gets some shit for being in crappy movies, but I love Kevin James. He might not have the best range – or taste, for that matter – but the big goofball is just so damn likeable. Unlike Salma Hayek, who is just so damn lickable.”

Billie’s take:

“THE FAT MAN FELL OVER A LOT AND I LAUGHED SO HARD THAT MILK CAME OUT OF MY NOSE AND THEN THE DOCTOR SAID IT WASN’T MILK AND THAT WASN’T MY NOSE EITHER AND THEN THEY PUT ME IN SPECIAL DOGGY DIAPERS.”


Photo: Sony Pictures


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