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This Week’s Movies Rated (By Dogs)

Paranormal Activity 4, Alex Cross, and Tai Chi Zero (in other news: Our dogs can talk).

Paranormal Activity 4
Out October 18, Rated R


Photo Courtesy of Paramount Pictures

Holly's take:

“Yep, the ‘scare the shit out of people just by flicking the lights off and on in the kitchen’ franchise is back. This one’s set five years after the second movie, and, surprisingly enough, is about more people being terrorized by ghosts and shit. I’m being flippant here – I’m terrible with horror movies, and this one scared me so bad that when my owner turned the bathroom light on without warning, I leapt eight feet across the room and slammed my head into a table leg. So, yeah – thanks a fucking bunch, Paranormal Activity 4.”

Dexter's take:

“I get that it’s pretty clever to create this much scary stuff on such a low budget, but honestly, I’m pretty tired of seeing people attacked by doors. For my money, you’d have a much better time with a different found-footage horror: Bigfoot: The Lost Coast Tapes! It’s basically Blair Witch Project, but with Sasquatch. What’s not to love about that? It’s out on October 19. I’m going to go with this cute poodle I met at the dog park so she can get freaked out and nuzzle my butt during the scary parts.”

Billie's take:

“I LIKED THE PART WHERE THE RABBIT WAS DOING MAGIC TRICKS AND THEN DRESSED UP LIKE A LADY TO TRICK A FARMER. I THINK I WATCHED THE WRONG MOVIE."


Photo Courtesy of Paramount Pictures

Alex Cross
Out October 19, Rated PG-13


Photo Courtesy of Summit Entertainment

Holly's take:

“Not going to lie: I laughed my fucking ass off watching the trailer for this. It’s based on a popular series of novels by James “You Can Buy My Latest 17 Books At The Airport” Patterson, and it stars Tyler “Madea” Perry as a tough detective on the trail of a homicidal special forces vet with a penchant for torturing people. The dialogue makes Taken seem subtle and nuanced, with Perry striving for earnestness while delivering such classic clunkers as, “I will meet his soul at the gates of hell before I let him take a person that I love!” and the delightfully succinct, “You are sick and twisted!” I plan on watching this while ridiculously, ridiculously high. Goddamnit – I just realized I forgot which bush I buried my weed under.”

Dexter's take:

“Some of the action towards the end of the trailer actually looks pretty solid. Which is more than I can say for the giant watery shit I took in my owner’s shoes this morning.”

Billie's take:

“THERE WAS A NICE MAN WITH A SHAVED HEAD AND TATTOOS WHO KEPT TICKLING PEOPLE WITH POINTY KNIVES AND THEN HE’D TICKLE THEM SO HARD THAT THEIR SKIN WOULD FALL OFF! HE SEEMED LIKE FUN!”


Photo Courtesy of Summit Entertainment

Tai Chi Zero
Out October 19, Rated PG-13


Photo Courtesy of Well Go Entertainment

Holly's take:

“This fun-looking fantasy martial arts movie seems worth tracking down – it’s about an outsider who tries to convince a village full of Tai Chi experts to teach him to fight, and just gets his ass kicked again and again before finally getting crazy martial arts powers. It’s a story I can relate to on a personal level, obviously.”

Dexter's take:

“This looks very similar in tone and style to movies by the absolutely excellent Stephen Chow, the genius who gave us Kung Fu Hustle and Shaolin Soccer (if you haven’t seen either of those, you really need to). I don’t want to get my hopes up too much, though – I’ve fallen for that ‘walk’ line only to end up at the vet with a thermometer in my bottom too many times already.”

Billie's take:

“I GOT ALL EXCITED BY THE FIGHTING AND THEN I WANTED TO FIGHT AS WELL SO I TRAINED REAL HARD AND NOW I’M A LUCHADORE! ALSO, DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW I CAN GET BACK TO NEW YORK FROM MEXICO?”


Photo Courtesy of Well Go Entertainment

Check out more movie reviews by dogs here!
Or check out some of our favorite leading ladies.