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This Week’s Movies Rated (By Dogs)

Silent Hill: Revelation 3D, Cloud Atlas and Chasing Mavericks (in other news: Our dogs can talk).

Silent Hill: Revelation 3D
Out October 25, Rated R


Photo: Open Road Films | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

Holly's take:

“Ah, a sequel to a movie based on a series of video games – it must be Oscar season! Seriously, though, gimmicky 3D aside, I don’t see any reason why you shouldn’t go see this, if mutant serial killing demon spawn from hell are your thing. I couldn’t say for sure if it will appeal to fans of the game, as I haven’t played them. Don’t judge me, you asshole – I don’t even have opposable thumbs, how am I supposed to hold a controller?”

Dexter's take:

“I’m happy to see Kit Harington - Game Of Thrones’  Jon Snow – in a movie, because he’s been one of the most consistently good parts of that show. That said, the last Silent Hill movie ended with a demonic woman getting split in half by having razor wire forced up her you-know-what, so this might not exactly end up being a career highlight for him – just like being caught doing massive, coiled-up shits on next door’s lawn wasn’t for me.”

Billie's take:

“WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK WAS THAT AND WHY DID THEY OH MY GOD I JUST DON’T EVEN YOU SAID IT WAS A MOVIE ABOUT A SINGING BANANA OH I HATE YOU.”


Photo: Open Road Films | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

Cloud Atlas
Out October 26, Rated R


Photo: Warner Bros. Pictures | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

Holly's take:

“Holy balls I’m excited for this movie. Yeah, there’s every chance that it just won’t work – it’s an epic, centuries-spanning story based on a novel that flings variations of the same characters into different eras, and that kind of stuff just doesn’t normally translate well into a two-hour movie – but it’s directed by the Wachowskis, and by God, if there’s one thing they know how to do, it’s make something look pretty. And anyway, a massive, ambitious failure has got to be more interesting than another boring, generic, reboot/sequel/prequel semi-hit, right? I mean, what would you rather have – a glorious but doomed attempt to rip the stuffing out of an entire expensive antique couch, or just a bit of a chew on another old slipper?”

Dexter's take:

“I’ve been talking a lot about casts recently, but once again, this is a good one. Tom Hanks (in a bad wig! Yes!!), Halle Berry, Hugo Weaving, Ben Whishaw and more. I’m not as excited for this movie as Holly is – I suspect it will do better with a female audience – but I’m intrigued enough by the concept and the presentation to give it an inquisitive butt-sniffing.”

Billie's take:

“THEY WERE ON A BOAT AND THEN THEY WEREN’T ON A BOAT AND THEN THEY WERE ON ROCKET BIKES FLYING AROUND IN THE FUTURE AND THEN THEY WERE SOMEWHERE ELSE AND THE SCREEN KEPT GOING WEUYURRGHHH WVOOOOM WVVOOOOMM BANYURGHH AND I CURLED UP IN A BALL AND POOPED IN MY OWN EAR. IT SOUNDED SLOOSHY!”


Photo: Warner Bros. Pictures | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

Chasing Mavericks
Out October 26, Rated PG


Photo: Twentieth Century Fox | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

Holly's take:

“Take note, douchebags: There is only one movie about surfing that I will ever, ever fucking acknowledge, and that movie is Point Break. So take your tweeny pep talk bullshit and shove it up your ass. Goddamn it, now I’m all sad about Patrick Swayze all over again.”

Dexter's take:

“This looks cute enough for a kid with immortality-seeking aspirations, although Gerard “300” Butler’s surfer makeover is just hilarious. Anyway, this believe-in-yourself fluff looks fine for sporty tweens, but it might make more cynical adults want to throw up, then eat it, then throw it up again, possibly this time into a very expensive handbag. At least, that’s what I did just now. And I haven’t even seen this movie yet.”

Billie's take:

"I WATCHED ALL OF THIS MOVIE THEN CAME DOWN TO THE BEACH TO TRY OUT SURFING. I THINK I DID IT WRONG BECAUSE EVERYONE KEPT SCREAMING AND PEOPLE TRIED TO CATCH ME WITH ROPES ON STICKS AND THEN SOMEONE SAID THAT SURFING IS STANDING ON AN IRONING BOARD IN THE SEA AND NOT ROLLING UPSIDE DOWN IN THE SAND HOWLING WITH FOAM COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH. I THINK THEY SHOULD HAVE MADE THAT MORE CLEAR.”


Photo: Twentieth Century Fox | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

Check out last week's movie reviews by dogs.
Or skip to the girls.