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This Week’s Movies Rated (By Dogs)

Flight, The Man With The Iron Fists and Wreck-It Ralph (in other news, our dogs can talk).

 

Flight

Out November 2, Rated R

 


Photo Courtesy of Paramount Pictures

 

Holly’s take:

“Got to admit, this one has me interested – Denzel Washington playing Denzel Washington (that’s not a criticism – I like Denzel Washington), who, this time, is a pilot that miraculously saves a plane from crashing with some fancy fuckin’ maneuvers (I also like the word ‘maneuvers’), before then finding his personal life unraveling due to accusations of being drunk at the wheel. It’s directed by Robert Zemeckis, and his résumé reads like a Saturday morning hangover dream marathon: the Back To the Future trilogy, Romancing The Stone, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, Forrest Gump – every movie you’ve ever stumbled upon while flicking channels, muttered, ‘Thank you, Lord’ and curled up in a fetal position, praying for the headache to go away and the police not to discover you’re the one who caused $60,000 in property damage after instigating a fight with three Russian sailors. Wait, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, I remember -  I was nowhere near the 8-Ball Club last night, and I’ve never even met a Russian sailor. Got that?”

 

Dexter’s take:

“I’m with Holly on thinking this looks pretty promising – especially since the cast also includes John Goodman - but I really, really struggle to take Denzel Washington seriously since SNL’s Jay Pharoah started doing his so-spot-on-it’s-impossible-not-to-think-about-it impersonation. Seriously, watch this spoof trailer for (the admittedly execrable) Unstoppable. It’s just amazing – almost as amazing as the half-digested oxtail soup I found in the trash this morning. That shit was delicious.”

 

Billie’s take:

“THE MAN WHO LIKES TO SHOUT THINGS WHILE HE’S TALKING MADE A BIG FLYING THINGY GO WHOOOOEEEOOO AND THEN IT CRASHED BUT IT WAS A GOOD CRASH. I TRIED TO RECREATE IT BY JUMPING OFF THE ROOF BUT IT WAS A BAD CRASH. NOW I’M ALL HURTY.”

 


Photo Courtesy of Paramount Pictures

 

The Man With The Iron Fists

Out November 2, Rated R

 


Photo Courtesy of Universal Pictures

 

Holly’s take:

“If you don’t want to see an action movie written by, directed by and starring the Wu-Tang Clan’s Rza, then you need to get the fuck out of my face right now, because clearly you have no concept of joy whatsoever. This takes the classic martial arts movie, updates it with face-pounding modern movie technology and throws the likes of Russell Crowe, Lucy Liu, Jamie Chung and Rick Yune into the mix. For the love of God, what more could you want?”

 

Dexter’s take:

“I’m naturally wary of any project that has Eli Roth as a co-writer – really, if you liked Hostel, good for you, but I just did not dig that exercise in gratuitous torture porn – but Rza, as well as being an infamous kung fu movie nerd, apprenticed under Quentin Tarantino when QT was making Kill Bill, so you can bet your last flying kick that this shit is going to look crazy. Although not as crazy as the shit I just left behind the couch, I’m guessing.”

 

Billie’s take:

“THIS WAS THE MOST AMAZING THING I’VE EVER SEEN! SO, SO EXCITING AND ACTION PACKED AND THE MOST FUN I’VE EVER HAD! IT WAS JUST, IT WAS INSANE, AND IT WAS ALL SORT OF BROWN AND LEATHERY AND IT HAD THESE STRINGY BITS AND IT SMELLED LIKE FEET AND I JUST CAN’T BELIEVE THAT NO ONE EVER THOUGHT TO GIVE ME A SHOE BEFORE! NOW, WHAT TIME DOES THE MOVIE START?”

 


Photo Courtesy of Universal Pictures

 

Wreck-It Ralph

Out November 2, Rated PG

 


Photo Courtesy Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures

 

Holly’s take:

“Remember last week when I said I hadn’t played Silent Hill due to my lack of thumbs? Well, I’m not completely video game illiterate, which is why the premise for this film tickles me so hard it makes me scratch my ear with my back foot: The Donkey-Kong-esque bad guy of a (fictional) arcade game has had enough of being overshadowed by the good guy, and strikes out on his own for adventure. The scene showing him in group therapy with Bowser, Doctor Robotnik, Street Fighter II’s Zangief, Mortal Kombat’s Kano and one of the ghosts from Pacman sold me all by itself. God, I miss the days when games were controlled by simple joysticks you could work with your asshole. Er, I mean mouth.”

 

Dexter’s take:

“The cast for this film is fantastic – John C. Reilly as the big doofus Ralph, Jack “Kenneth from 30 Rock” McBrayer as the goodie-two shoes hero, Jane Lynch as a Halo-parodying space marine – and the premise is so adorably in-jokey and nostalgic, it’s more a case of using your kids as an excuse to go see it than getting dragged along against your will, like a dog who’s been caught humping a dead squirrel in the park which is something that absolutely didn’t happen to me yesterday, probably.”

 

Billie’s take:

“ALL THE BRIGHT COLORS AND ROUNDY SHAPES MADE ME FEEL LIKE THAT TIME THEY GAVE ME AN INJECTION AT THE VET AND I WENT SLEEPY AND WOKE UP WITHOUT OVARIES AND WALKED INTO DOORS A LOT. IT WAS TRAUFUNTIC! THAT’S WHEN SOMETHING’S TRAUMATIC AND FUN AT THE SAME TIME! LIKE GETTING KILLED ON A ROLLER COASTER!”

 


Photo Courtesy Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures

 

For last week's dog movie ratings, click here!

Or for hot girls, click here. Your call, buddy.

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