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This Week’s Movies Rated (By Dogs)

Lincoln, Silver Linings Playbook and The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 (in other news: Our dogs can talk).

Lincoln
Out November 16, Rated PG-13


Photo Courtesy of Touchstone Pictures

Holly's take:

“Lincoln is in at least my top eight Presidents of all time for the hat alone, so I’m definitely interested in seeing this one. I’m especially interested in Spielberg’s take on the part of Lincoln’s life where he was traveling around time in a phone booth with two Californian teenagers, and ended up getting arrested on a shopping mall escalator with Sigmund Freud. That’s shit’s gonna be cray cray.”

Dexter's take:

“A Steven Spielberg biopic of Abraham Lincoln, starring Daniel Day Lewis – what more do you need to say? It’s practically guaranteed to be stately and emotional, yet thoroughly accessible to a large audience. Sure, it might as well just be named “Oscar Bait”, but if it’s a great movie, so what? With Spielberg’s track record, this story seems like it’s in safe hands. Of course, I said the same thing about Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull, too, and that made me howl while peeing uncontrollably every time I saw a fedora for the next eighteen months.”

Billie's take:

“THE MAN IN THE HAT WAS VERY SERIOUS BUT HE HAD A MAGNIFICENT BEARD THAT I WANTED TO TUG ON WITH MY TEETH BUT I COULDN’T AND THAT MADE ME SAD SO I WENT OUTSIDE AND HAD AN ADVENTURE WITH A MAGIC PONY CALLED TREVOR FRUITWINTER.”


Photo Courtesy of Touchstone Pictures

Silver Linings Playbook
Out November 16, Rated R


Photo Courtesy of The Weinstein Company

Holly's take:

“A movie about a guy moving back in with his parents after spending time in a mental institution, then getting involved with an equally damaged local girl and entering a dance contest, sounds on paper like the worst piece of shit ever. But then you realize it’s from the director of The Fighter, stars Robert De Niro, Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper, and has a fucking hilarious trailer. If you’re into calculated quirkiness, this is definitely for you. If it’s not, you should probably give it a wider berth than I gave that huge Rottweiler that moved in down the street last week. That fucker has balls the size of canned hams!”

Dexter's take:

“David O. Russell doesn’t direct movies all that frequently, so I’m very excited for this. Most guys seem to love Three Kings and The Fighter, but this appears to be straying more into quirky indie comedy territory, which is a risky move for him, since a lot of folks were put off by I Heart Huckabees (personally I was really into it, but I can see why people might find it too deliberately wacky). Anyway, it’ll be interesting to see Bradley Cooper playing against type as an awkward loser, and the lovely Jennifer Lawrence seems, as ever, to know exactly what she’s doing. I want her to rub my belly and tell me I’m a good dog, then maybe feed me a biscuit. What? I don’t have any sexual urges since that trip to the vet, so that’s the best fantasy I can muster.”

Billie's take:

“I DIDN’T REALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT EVERYONE WAS TALKING ABOUT BUT IT SEEMED LIKE THEY WERE ENJOYING THEMSELVES SO I WANTED TO ENJOY MYSELF SO I ROLLED IN SOME RACOON POOP. IT WAS SQUOOLCHY!”

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2
Out November 15, Rated PG-13


Photo Courtesy of Summit Entertainment

Holly's take:
“NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOO!!”

Dexter's take:

“Oh dear God. Never, ever see a movie that requires both a colon and a dash in the title. Really, unless you’re a 13-year-old girl or a creepy, menopausal middle aged woman who can’t decide if she wants to mother Justin Bieber or have him take her roughly from behind over her cooking sherry-stained ironing board, you’re not going to be seeing this movie anyway, but just in case you were considering it: Don’t. I hear that the bastard editors at Maxim are making one of their writers attend a 12-hour Twilight marathon this weekend, so he can report on his hellish experience here on Monday. As someone who’s already been forcibly castrated, he has my sympathies.”

Billie's take:

“I LIKED THE SPARKLY MAN. HE WAS LIKE A NORMAL MAN BUT CROSSED WITH A SAD FISH!”


Photo Courtesy of Summit Entertainment

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