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This Week’s Movies Rated (By Dogs)

Killing Them Softly, The Collection and Universal Soldier: Day Of Reckoning (in other news: Our dogs can talk).

Killing Them Softly
Out November 30, Rated R


Photos Courtesy of The Weinstein Company

Holly's take:

“I love a good dark, cynical crime movie almost as much as I love eating live frogs slowly from the feet up, so this film was like catnip to me, only, not catnip, because I’m not a cat and, y’know, fuck cats. Ray Liotta’s turn as a pathetic, cowardly minor gangster cracked me up, and James Gandolfini’s gutless, whore-obsessed hit man was just awesome. I can’t recommend this highly enough. Or the frog thing. That shit’s the best.”

Dexter's take:

“This is a tight, efficient crime flick based on the excellent novel Cogan’s Trade by George V. Higgins. As well as Brad Pitt – in greasy, twitchy bad guy mode, which, let’s be honest, is always the best Brad Pitt – it’s got Scoot McNairy (from the pretty decent Monsters) as a hapless criminal who, with his hilariously nihilistic partner, robs a mob poker game and, inevitably, gets caught up in the consequences. By turns darkly funny, realistically violent and soberingly amoral, it’s well worth a watch. This is normally where I’d say something more characteristic of my doggy nature, but I’m trying very hard to be more sophisticated this week, which is why I finished thoroughly licking my own penis before we started. Oh…oh Goddamn it.”

Billie's take:

“I TRIED TO MAKE BRAD PITT ADOPT ME BUT HE WOULDN’T SO NOW I’M SAD. THAT IS ALL.”



The Collection
Out November 30, Rated R


Photos Courtesy of LD Entertainment

Holly's take:

“Constant, brutal, bloody gross out horror movie from the writers of the last few Saw movies? No fucking thank you, this stuff scares the piss out of me. And I mean that literally, I ruined a $900 rug just watching the trailer. Next!”

Dexter's take:

“I’m not much for torture porn, but I must admit, the trailer’s set up of a house loaded with death traps that those investigating are trying to avoid has piqued my interest. As someone who wanted a whole movie of just the bit in Temple Of Doom where Indy and Short Round make their way from the palace to the temple (spiked ceiling, bug pits etc.), that’s probably not surprising. Anyway, don’t expect too much from this, but if you like gore, you should be even happier than my super-sensitive nose was when my owner finally discovered deodorant.”

Billie's take:

“NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE OOH WAIT WAS THAT AN ARRRGHHHH NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE.”



Universal Soldier: Day Of Reckoning
Out November 30, rated R



Holly's take:

“Now, constant, brutal, bloody kick-ass action? That I can handle (until I try to re-enact it and injure myself, at least). There may not have been a good Universal Soldier movie since…well, there may not have ever been a good Universal Soldier movie, but this one looks like it might just surprise a few people – a bit like I do when I creep up behind them in the park and bite them right on the anus. It’s a tough trick to master, but well worth the effort!”

Dexter's take:

“This really doesn’t look like your run of the mill, straight-to-DVD, buy-it-in-the-pharmacy-for-$3 crap that I usually associate with Universal Soldier – in fact, it looks like Jean-Claude Van Damme decided he wanted to remake Apocalypse Now, and when they told him he couldn’t, he just decided to play his own version of Colonel Kurtz anyway. I don’t know, I’m hesitant to recommend this, but this article at Topless Robot pretty much sums it up. I’m going to say give it a try – if it turns out to be shit, well, what do you want from me? I’m a dog. I’m still surprised by the sound of my own farts sometimes.”

Billie's take:

“THE BIG BLONDE MAN KEPT WEARING ADAM ANT MAKEUP AND IT MADE ME SO HAPPY THAT I SHARTED A WORM. IT TICKLED!”



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