User menu

Main menu

Entertainment

We know big Hollywood stars love to be pampered but we're drawing the line at more than two names. It's just wasteful.

<strong>14. PHILIP MICHAEL THOMAS</strong>- The former Miami Vice star is the worst offender on the list—not just three names, but three first names. He’s flaunting the fact that he doesn’t even need a surname at all, and we’d take him to task for it if age and vanishing career prospects hadn’t taken care of him for us long ago. Same goes for Jan-Michael Vincent, should he ever show up.

<strong>13. SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR</strong>- We understand the need to spice up "Sarah Gellar," because that name belongs on the old lady who works in our dry cleaners, not a hot blonde  from The Return. But "Michelle"? That’s the best you can do? What about something cool like "Rocket" or "Unicorn"?

<strong>15. PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN</strong>- We can understand the Capote star’s reluctance to go by "Phil Hoffman" because he might have been confused with former SNL star Phil Hartman. But Hartman’s wife took care of that little glitch, so lose the "Seymour" and give us a break already.

<strong>12. MARCIA GAY HARDEN</strong>- We may tell people that "gay" is our middle name, but this The Dead Girl star is the only one who truly lives up to it. We applaud her boldness, but she should go the full nine and christen herself "Gay Harden." It’ll be an attention-getter, will inspire countless gay porn actors names, and it shouldn’t cause any problems, as long as she avoids working with Isaiah Washington.

<strong>11. SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT</strong>- Did we say Philip Michael Thomas was the worst? Sorry, but American Pie’s Scott out-douches him by adding an additional, completely unnecessary "n" to one of his first names. Are you trying to walk around looking like a typo? Or does it stand for "not going to work again after The Dukes of Hazzard"?

<strong>10. JACKIE EARLE HALEY</strong>- Is it any wonder the former Bad News Bear played a child molester in Little Children? "Jackie Earle Haley" is exactly the kind of name you expect Dateline’s Chris Hansen to take down at a 12-year-old's pool party.

<strong>9. SEAN PATRICK FLANERY</strong>- This Body Shots star's name is so Irish it’s actually a member of the Boston police force.

<strong>8. MARY ELIZABETH MASTRANTONIO</strong>- Talk about a hefty handle. Just attempting to type "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves star Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio" has been known to shut down any Word program version 3.4 or lower. In fact…aw crap…we have to restart…

<strong>7. HALEY JOEL OSMENT</strong>- Here’s a case where a simple trim could save a lifetime of awkwardness. "Haley" is a cute kid who was in Secondhand Lions, but now it’s time to become Joel Osment. It’s sturdy. It’s leading-man quality. Hey, he can’t do anything about that squashed, Cabbage Patch face of his, so he’s got to do something.

<strong>6. SARAH JESSICA PARKER</strong>- The bane of Mary-Louise Parker’s existence—you see, Sarah Jessica Parker isn’t the one on the hip Showtime show about pot, she’s the one that used to be on the embarrassingly trying-to-be-hip HBO show about four miserable spinsters fucking Manhattan to death. Oh, and she was also in Failure to Launch.

<strong>5. MARY-LOUISE PARKER</strong>- See above.

<strong>4. NEIL PATRICK HARRIS</strong>- The former Doogie Howser has entered that phase in his career where he’s officially shed the qualifier "former child TV star." Now he’s "recent outed TV star who's in How I Met Your Mother." Hey, it saves him from being included in the same category as Danny Bonaduce, and that is, indeed, a blessing.

<strong>3. THOMAS HADEN CHURCH</strong>- Something about this name doesn’t suit a character actor from Wings. This should be the name of a curly mustached captain of industry who invented the turnbuckle or the pneumatic couch press. What? Too specific?

<strong>2. JAMES EARL JONES</strong>- He may be the only person on this list with the stature to carry three names. But "Earl"? The Dark Lord of the Sith deserves a higher title than Earl. If you’re going to do it, do it right—James King Jones is badass. James Pharaoh Jones is even better, but we’re pretty sure we used to know a pimp with that name. He was a pimp in Field of Dreams, right?

<strong>1. BILLY BOB THORNTON</strong>- No matter how many great movies he stars in, how many critically hailed films he directs, or how many hot women he inexplicably beds, every time we hear the name "Billy Bob Thornton" we hear banjos and the soothing sounds of anal rape (hmm, he was in Mr. Woodcock.) William Thornton is a respected filmmaker. Billy Bob is the guy in the fanny pack outside Planet Hollywood.

Three-Named Actors