We're through waiting for Marvel's follow-ups to Iron Man and The Incredible Hulk, and decided to make some casting choices of our own.
Thor- The Character: Thor, the Norse god of thunder, is a hammer-wielding shit-kicker who would look right at home airbrushed on the side of a van. He boasts flowing locks and flowery speech, neither of which is ever ridiculed because of the aforementioned hammer.
Our Pick: American Gladiator's Titan. Seriously, you're not going to find anyone else even close to Thor-like dimensions.
She-Hulk- The Character: After being shot by a mob boss, mousy Jennifer Walters needed a blood transfusion in order to save her life. The good news: Her cousin, who had the same blood type, happened to be visiting. The bad news: Her cousin was Bruce Banner, whose blood has the tendency to make people big and green.
Our Pick: Jessica Biel. Why use CGI when she's already got the She-Hulk build? We volunteer to apply the green body paint.
Captain America- The Character: Cap is the symbol of all that is righteous and heroic about America (he was created during World War II, so that explains it). He was a scrawny recruit named Steve Rogers before the government's experimental "supersoldier serum" turned him into a badass. Carries a shield.
Our Pick: Josh Duhamel. The only drawback is that Josh is of French ancestry, which is kind of like having a Captain Britain who's half Pakistani.
Sub-Mariner- The Character: Sub-Mariner is Marvel's answer to Aquaman (a question, incidentally, that no one ever asked). He's the pompous king of Atlantis who dresses more like the flamboyant queen of Cirque de Soleil. Can breathe underwater, talk to fish, and fly.
Our Pick: Jason Isaacs. Throw some Spock ears on him and he's perfect, because we all know he can work a snarl and an aloof attitude with the best of them. (He is, after all, British.)
Black Panther- The Character: T'Challa is the king of the fictional African country of Wakanda (that is fictional, right?), who moonlights as a costumed hero named Black Panther. He's quick, strong, has enhanced senses, and is considered one of the smartest characters in the Marvel Universe.
Our Pick: Chiwetel Ejiofor. He's always come across sharp and regal; and in the new movie Redbelt, he's proving he can kick the appropriate amounts of tail.
Ant Man- The Character: Genius inventor Hank Pym is notoriously indecisive when it comes to superhero alter egos. He used to be Giant Man, then Yellowjacket, then…well, Ant-Man. His power? He could get really, really tiny, and talk to ants.
Our Pick: David Duchovny. He seems irritatingly smarty-pants, and he's bland enough to be convincing as a lab rat with indeterminate superhero leanings.
Dr. Strange- The Character: Former surgeon Stephen Strange learns the power of magic and quickly moves to New York's Greenwich Village, gets himself an Asian manservant, and sinks his money into robes and incense.
Our Pick: George Hamilton. Yeah, he's unsettling enough. And the fact that he hasn't turned into a giant skin cancer ball is proof that he knows some kind of magic.