We could watch ScarJo movies all day, but what happens when Captain America: The Winter Soldier’s red-headed acrobat Avenger takes on Under the Skin’s soft-spoken alien seductress? Only one can reign supreme when we ask the ultimate question: Who’s Tougher?
Black Widow: Natasha Romanoff
Laura: Nameless, as far as we know.
Edge: Black Widow. For all we know, “Laura’s” real name is some alien gobbledygook like Gorblak. “Natasha Romanoff” is as easy on the ears as Black Widow is on the eyes.
Black Widow: Safeguard Earth from enemies within and without.
Laura: Seduce and capture men to send their guts to her home planet, for food or something.
Edge: Black Widow. The idea of someone who looks like ScarJo seducing men isn’t much of a challenge. Someone who looks like her fighting Hulks and aliens is.
Black Widow: Skin-tight leather onesie.
Laura: Thrift store fur coat and acid-washed jeans.
Edge: Laura. She looks like a 1970s hooker – and 1970s hookers were notoriously tough.
Black Widow: The Avengers.
Laura: Black-clad, anonymous motorcyclers.
Edge: Black Widow: Like Iron Man said, they have a Hulk.
Black Widow: Loki, an army of Chitauri.
Laura: A growing sense of humanity.
Edge: Laura is definitively an alien. Coming to terms with the weaknesses of humanity is no easy feat.
Black Widow: Some crazy, S.H.I.E.L.D.-issued harrier/jet/spacecraft thing.
Laura: Creepy white van.
Edge: Black Widow. It’s only tough having a creepy white van if you’re a creep. Widow gets the point simply because we desperately want that jet for ourselves.
Black Widow: Mostly an NYC that’s been turned into a battlefield.
Laura: The Highways of Glasgow, Scotland.
Edge: Black Widow. NYC is damn tough on a normal day; an alien invasion notches that toughness up to 11.
Black Widow: Assassin for hire, she killed a whole bunch of innocent people before Hawkeye brought her back from the dark side.
Laura: Formed from the depths of some murky, inky blackness.
Edge: Laura. She literally emerged from darkness. Black Widow got chided by some dude in spanks. No contest here.
Black Widow: Red, wavy, shoulder length
Laura: Black, straight, shoulder length.
Edge: Black Widow: Red in the head, fire in the hole. Dark-haired girls don’t even get fun little phrases like that.
WEAPON OF CHOICE
Black Widow: Her thighs. Seriously, she’s like a sexy little luchador.
Laura: Her naked body. Don’t go in there – it’s a trap.
Edge: Laura: Naked body > thighs, simply because naked body = thighs + x. Who said our process wasn’t scientific?
Black Widow secures the win, 6 to 4. Laura may haunt our nightmares, but when some alien seductress comes to town looking to turn men into meat, we’d want Black Widow there to save our skin. Plus it’d be a lot more fun having Black Widow use us for her thigh-lock sparring.
Also on Maxim.com:
Who’s Tougher: The Jennifer Lawrence Edition
Maxim Loves: Scarlett Johansson Turning Around