1. Your Life Depends on Phone Calls From Men
You've seen it a million times. Some emotionally vulnerable woman sits by the phone all night (weepy romantic movie playing in the background optional) just waiting for that cute guy to call. When's he going to call? Why won't he call? What's wrong with me? What did I do to provoke him into being emotionally distant? I do this all the time, don't I? WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
2. Any Problem Can Be Fixed By Shopping
Just as your average hamster can be lulled into relaxation with a food pellet and a few laps on a tiny wheel, Chick Flicks imagine that women's emotions are so puddle-shallow that a quick montage of dresses and shoes can fix everything. Break up? Big fight? Cancer diagnosis? Who's up for the Galleria?
3. Any Problem That Can't Be Fixed By Shopping, Can Be Fixed With a Make-Over
Your husband/boyfriend/stalkee is being mean? Well, it's because you haven't done your hair in forever! And what is that shade of eye shadow called, "Dump Me Now"? Ugh, girl. You need to spend obscene amounts of money on make-up you'll never wear and a hairstyle that'll become too hard to maintain hours after you leave the salon. And make sure to do so to an irritating Top 40 song.
4. If a Guy's a Jerk, it's Because Your Life is a Mess
Face it, girls, Chick Flicks have hit the bull's eye when it comes to the key to holding onto a man. If some dude cheats on you, you have only one recourse: Go through your house and throw away EVERYTHING. Magazines, books, clothing, potential vices…scrub your life clean so that you won't be such a cheat target anymore. Seriously, you don't know this? Guys cheat because you smoke, eat cookies, and read Cosmo. Duh.
5. Guys are So Much More Important Than Friends, Jobs, or Family
He CALLED! Time to shove everything you've worked so hard to attain, every close friend who's stood by you since high school, and all those family members who know you better than anyone aside and devote everything to stalking the one guy who deigns to acknowledge your existence. This is it. THIS COULD BE THE ONE!
6. Wait, You're Over 30? Why Aren't You Dead Yet?
Seriously.
7. No Guy Is Worth the Heartache…if He's Not Rich
If a guy can afford to buy you a penthouse apartment with a 1,000-square-foot shoe closet, you are totally justified in sticking with him, even if he's been a non-committal douche who smears your emotions on his shoe heel like dog shit and strings you along for 10 years. Sure, he's made you spend the best years of your life in the grips of a needy, clingy, destructive shame cycle…BUT LOOK AT THAT CLOSET! Sorry, were we talking?
You've seen it a million times. Some emotionally vulnerable woman sits by the phone all night (weepy romantic movie playing in the background optional) just waiting for that cute guy to call. When's he going to call? Why won't he call? What's wrong with me? What did I do to provoke him into being emotionally distant? I do this all the time, don't I? WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
2. Any Problem Can Be Fixed By Shopping
Just as your average hamster can be lulled into relaxation with a food pellet and a few laps on a tiny wheel, Chick Flicks imagine that women's emotions are so puddle-shallow that a quick montage of dresses and shoes can fix everything. Break up? Big fight? Cancer diagnosis? Who's up for the Galleria?
3. Any Problem That Can't Be Fixed By Shopping, Can Be Fixed With a Make-Over
Your husband/boyfriend/stalkee is being mean? Well, it's because you haven't done your hair in forever! And what is that shade of eye shadow called, "Dump Me Now"? Ugh, girl. You need to spend obscene amounts of money on make-up you'll never wear and a hairstyle that'll become too hard to maintain hours after you leave the salon. And make sure to do so to an irritating Top 40 song.
4. If a Guy's a Jerk, it's Because Your Life is a Mess
Face it, girls, Chick Flicks have hit the bull's eye when it comes to the key to holding onto a man. If some dude cheats on you, you have only one recourse: Go through your house and throw away EVERYTHING. Magazines, books, clothing, potential vices…scrub your life clean so that you won't be such a cheat target anymore. Seriously, you don't know this? Guys cheat because you smoke, eat cookies, and read Cosmo. Duh.
5. Guys are So Much More Important Than Friends, Jobs, or Family
He CALLED! Time to shove everything you've worked so hard to attain, every close friend who's stood by you since high school, and all those family members who know you better than anyone aside and devote everything to stalking the one guy who deigns to acknowledge your existence. This is it. THIS COULD BE THE ONE!
6. Wait, You're Over 30? Why Aren't You Dead Yet?
Seriously.
7. No Guy Is Worth the Heartache…if He's Not Rich
If a guy can afford to buy you a penthouse apartment with a 1,000-square-foot shoe closet, you are totally justified in sticking with him, even if he's been a non-committal douche who smears your emotions on his shoe heel like dog shit and strings you along for 10 years. Sure, he's made you spend the best years of your life in the grips of a needy, clingy, destructive shame cycle…BUT LOOK AT THAT CLOSET! Sorry, were we talking?