Holiday cheer is banished by these death-defying albums. Ear plugs are encouraged.
10. John Travolta and Olivia Newtown-John: This Christmas (2012)
The last time we saw this duo together, John Travolta wasn’t acting as a woman, Olivia Newton-John was a sex symbol, and neither one could turn down any role involving hip thrusts and skin-tight leather. Now, roughly 127 years after Grease was first introduced to the world, the two are back, singing all the typical, terrible Christmas tunes you hear in mall elevators. Looks like they hit their peak a long time ago.
9. Merry Twismas: A Twistmas Story with Twitty Bird and Their Little Friends (1983)
When you’re sitting by the fire with your family, sipping hot chocolate, and reveling in the shitty holiday gifts you got, the last thing you want to hear is the squawking of an irritating cartoon bird. Unfortunately, thanks to this abomination disguised as music, that is a distinct possibility for anyone who has much younger siblings, nieces and nephews, or bastard children. And there's really only one way to guard against this auditory torture: get rid of the kids. Thank us later.
8. Pull my Finger: Jingle Smells (2005)
Christmas songs performed by varying flatulence? We understand that holiday food can really tarnish your insides, but we’d prefer if it was kept to a confined private facility and not broadcast to the entire holiday party.
7. Christmas on Death Row (2001)
Of all record labels to put out a holiday album, Death Row?! Neither the album title nor its contents—a collection of explicit rap songs about Santa in the ghetto—are particularly suitable for a sit-down Christmas dinner. Or for anything else.
6. Twisted Sister: A Twisted Christmas (2006)
Waking up to the black eyeliner-drenched vocals of Dee Snider on Christmas morning is the least rock n’ roll thing we could think of, besides playing for a room full of diaper-clad children. Dee – you’re a glam rock star. We don’t want to hear your rendition of "Oh Come All Ye Faithful," we want you to smash your guitar into walls and scream into a microphone. Got it?
5. Michael Bolton: This is the Time (1996)
Michael Bolton and his flowing mane were a hit among women of the ‘90s, and there's a good chance that this is one of your mom’s favorite Christmas albums. We’d like to apologize for any lingering childhood memories you may have pertaining to Bolton, but we're especially sorry about that time you walked in on Mom kissing Santa Clause while this piece of garbage record was playing.
4. David Hasselhoff: Night Before Christmas (2004)
The Hoff is a man of many talents: He can run like a God, pick up a trio of hot girls with a creepy pseudo-‘80s song, and can single-handedly turn you off of cheeseburgers forever, but singing Christmas songs is definitely not his forte. He should probably just stick to getting shitfaced.
3. Star Wars: Christmas in the Stars (1996)
This album should only be heard in a galaxy infinitely far away so our eardrums can be at peace.
2. Colonel Sanders: Christmas with Colonel Sanders (1969)
This isn't just guilty of being a boring album with a creepy cover, it’s also missing the only thing pertaining to Colonel Sanders that anyone cares about: greasy chicken legs. Way to ruin Christmas, dick.
1. Justin Bieber: Under the Mistletoe (2011)
We can’t seem to get away from Justin Bieber and his baby-doll looking face; whether it’s that new commercial where he’s about to make love to himself rather than to the camera, his highly publicized heartbreak over Selena Gomez, or his awful songs blowing up our radio. And now we are also forced to endure him trying to ruin the most wonderful time of the year. It's just further proof that everything wrong with the world comes from Canada.
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