Aerosmith
You’ll have to go to Rhode Island or New Hampshire to buy Aerosmith’s new “Dream On” scratch-off lotto tickets. And you’ll also have to act happy if you “win” a private concert or backstage passes.

Santana
It’s no surprise that Carlos Santana designs his own line of guitars, but his “Carlos” line of women’s high heels, platforms, and pumps ($49–$129) is even more effeminate than a duet with Rob Thomas.

Pink Floyd
What better way to tell your roommate you’re running low on incense and Chipotle Ranch Doritos than with a $10 Dark Side of the Moon dry erase board?

Tom Petty
Spruce up that bathroom with Heartbreaker ceramic tiles featuring the band’s iconic (so they claim) heart-and-guitar logo. Actually, make that a half-bathroom, because each one of these things costs $20.

Rolling Stones
The world’s most geriatric band throw a bone to their geriatric fans with—we swear this is real—a Tattoo You pillbox. Crippling prescription painkiller addiction sold separately.

Britney Spears
Did you really just drop 25 bucks on an official lollipop from Brit’s Circus tour? Our 16-ounce metallic purple travel mug is covered in rhinestones, and it still only costs $15. Sucker!

The Police
If you’re going to commit social suicide by wearing arm warmers, shouldn’t you at least spring for ones with the Synchronicity logo on them? $35 (Sorry, only XL is still in stock.

Kid Rock
Nothing says happy holidays quite like shitty Kid Rock merchandise! So get classy this Christmas with a Santa ornament ($10) featuring old St. Nick with a busty chick on his lap.