So how do you want to go?
I’ve always liked the idea of being lost at sea. Of course, that means a violent and helpless drowning, but “lost at sea” has such a romantic sound to it.

Will you be going to heaven or hell?
I’ll be going to heaven, where everything is perfect. It will be like hell to me.

In your new single, “Who Says,” you ask, “Who says I can’t get stoned?” Do you hope there’s weed in heaven?
I don’t consider myself a pot smoker. I consider myself someone who occasionally decides to give smoking pot another chance. If there’s single malt scotch in heaven, I’ll be a happy man.

What’s the craziest rumor you’ve ever heard about yourself?
I’ve read that I like peeing on girls. That is an impossible notion. I don’t even feel comfortable peeing in urinals.

While alive, what did you spend the most money on?
I can’t stop buying jackets. When I was growing up, a jacket was the only item of clothing you could wear every day and not get made fun of for it. Now I get made fun of for everything else, but at least my jackets are nice.

Name one thing you’re glad you’ll never have to do again on Earth.
I’m glad I’ll never have to sit on a plane with a cough again. Pretending you’re not the gross dude on the plane with the guttural hacking cough is futile, because you definitely are.

What’s the wildest thing you ever did while you were alive?
I’m not as wild as people think. Being wild carries too many consequences now. I just read in Us Weekly all the false stories of crazy shit I did, and it was like a Douchebag’s Almanac.

What sexy deceased women will you have your eyes on in the afterlife?
I have a problem with the proximity of “sexy” and “deceased” in that question. A dead Brigitte Bardot is an unsexy Brigitte Bardot. Unless you’re going porno heaven rules, where everybody’s superhot and dressed in white bustiers with veils…in which case I’d have to say Jessica Tandy.

What are people tweeting at your funeral?
“RT@johncmayer if you’re reading this, I died at sea.”

Got any last words?
Let the posthumous overappreciation of my life and career begin

John Mayer’s new release, Battle Studies, is on sale now.