Crazy People Are Freezing Their Junk With Liquid Nitrogen To Make Sex Feel Better

No thanks.
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No thanks.
(Photo: Getty)

(Photo: Getty)

People go to great lengths to make sex feel even better than it already does. Botox in your balls? Check. Wild sex toys? Also check. Freezing your junk with liquid nitrogen? People do that too. Seriously. Like I said, great lengths.

A spa called Cryotherapy UK in Manchester, England, has a very special service called “Love Mist,” which sprays your junk with liquid nitrogen for 30 minutes to “increase blood flow and boost endorphins.” Haha. No thanks.

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“When the sub-zero temperature covers the skin, the sudden drop in heat stimulates the temperature receptors,” the spa says, encouraging everyone to blast their manhood with -160-degree Celsius nitrogen. Then, when your dick gets super icy, your blood vessels constrict and your blood pressure rises, leading to increased blood flow.

The treatment, which costs a solid £50, also promises an endorphin rush, but perhaps that was a typo and they actually meant to say “adrenaline,” because spraying liquid nitrogen on your package is probably a terrifying and painful experience.

“While the skin continues to feel the ‘freeze’ the body sends signals back and forth to the brain,” the spa says. “These messengers tell the brain if there is damage to the tissues, to repair them. It’s this that along with the instant endorphin level energy boost and natural high, generates a tighter, youthful, clear and vibrant genital skin appearance through boosting collagen.”

You know what would really suck? If the technician froze your junk a little too long, and your dick completely shattered, or your huevos imploded, or something. Goddamn.

Imagine if that shattered, frozen rose was your penis. 

Imagine if that shattered, frozen rose was your penis. 

Now, I’m not saying this “Love Mist” treatment is stupid…no, I am saying that. This “Love Mist” treatment is stupid. I’m not even sorry for saying that.

You know what else you can do? Slap an ice pack on your balls for a couple minutes and call it a day. Or you could keep ice away from that area altogether like a normal person and just have sex with a body temperature penis. That totally works too.