The Grown-Up Spring Break Experience

What's to stop you from trying to re-create the spring break adventure in the comfort of your own office?
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What's to stop you from trying to re-create the spring break adventure in the comfort of your own office?
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Ah, spring break, when college kids spend a week in some exotic locale enjoyng a sunburnt, alcohol-fueled humpfest. If you've left school and have a job and responsibilities, this might seem like a distant memory, but really, what's to stop you from trying to re-create the spring break adventure in the comfort of your own office? Nothing! Except the threat of being fired, obviously.

YOUR HOTEL

Illustrated for Maxim by Brown Bird Design | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

When it comes to spring break, the word hotel means little more than a tiny, dank room with four grubby walls and a grubbier floor to sleep on. That’s why you’ll be crashing in the office supply closet. Unlike cheapo motels, these provide whatever simple amenities you might need, free of charge. The Post-its are especially handy during an attack of the munchies.

HOOKING UP

Illustrated for Maxim by Brown Bird Design | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

You’ll need to choose your targets carefully, so swing by the Tex-Mex restaurant across the street and you’ll be sac-deep in the choicest middle-aged divorcées on their fourth round of fishbowl margaritas. To seal the deal, take her back to your (work)place and make sweet love in front of the “Caribbean Wonders” screensaver that comes standard with Windows 7.

NONSTOP FUN

Illustrated for Maxim by Brown Bird Design | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

It’s important to re-create that classic spring break feeling of staying up doing shots till 5 a.m. every single night, even though you really just wanted to go to bed seven hours ago. Do this by blowing off all your more pressing work for the preceding six weeks, then try to do it all in a single night on NyQuil. You’ll have that “I’m so tired I want to cry and I think my eyeballs are bleeding” sensation in no time!

THE CLUB

Illustrated for Maxim by Brown Bird Design | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

Ready to dance the night away? Fill the Xerox machine and set it to 50,000 copies. That blinding copier bulb and mechanical clanking are perfect substitutes for the bright lights and thumping beats of your favorite club. If you get lonely, photocopy your ass, then grind yourself against the machine while it’s still warm. It’s almost like the real thing!

EXTREME SPORTS

Illustrated for Maxim by Brown Bird Design | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

Whether it’s parasailing, ziplining, or skydiving with a sketchy ecotourism company whose instructor doesn’t understand the English word for “parachute,” it wouldn’t be a crazy weekend without some kind of ill-advised daredevil activity. In your case, that’s walking up the 29 flights of stairs to your office. Seriously, at your fitness level it’s an adrenaline-fueled thrill ride!

THE BEACH

Illustrated for Maxim by Brown Bird Design | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

No need to dream about the hot black sand beaches of Hawaii when your hot black asphalt office parking lot is just a few steps away! Catch some rays, listen

to the gentle roar of the freeway service road, and don’t forget to bring your plastic E-Z Glyde rolling chair mat to use as a towel. Say, is that a wet T-shirt contest over there? No, it’s three sweaty homeless guys fighting over a bagel. Don’t make eye contact.

LOCAL CUISINE

Illustrated for Maxim by Brown Bird Design | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

If you’re looking for a gastronomic adventure that rivals sampling the feared habanero chili  (or, you know, just drinking Mexican tap water), look no further than your office fridge. The culinary experience known as “stealing someone else’s clearly labeled bag lunch” could be the near-death experience you crave. (Eating the mayonnaise that’s been on the door shelf since 2003 will also do the trick.)

HANGOVER

Illustrated for Maxim by Brown Bird Design | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

When you were in college, you could function on two hours of sleep even after drinking all weekend. The grown-up version is—well, shit, sorry, but those days are long gone, friend! It’s Monday morning! Lift your face out of the urinal and get to work!

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