Flicking the Coffee Bean
In November 2012, a Florida woman, apparently high on crack cocaine, was craving overpriced coffee and a really awkward orgasm, so she walked into a Starbucks and started masturbating. Cops say they witnessed Jennifer Piranian, 29,
putting her “hands into her pants” while
out.” But horny
Jen had an explanation: She was just hanging out at Starbucks, waiting to go to the hospital because she had some kind of spider bite (apparently on her clitoris). They arrested her after searching her bag and finding a crack pipe with cocaine residue. Odd, since most people who get off in Starbucks are just buzzed on caramel
Just the Tip
When police were called to an apartment complex near the University of Florida campus in April, they found God, and, boy, was he fucked up. Michael Silecchia told cops he was the Lord Almighty after removing all his clothes
and saying, “Don’t cut my penis off,” then quickly changing his mind and saying, “Cut my penis off.” If it wasn’t completely obvious, he also told them he had taken a hit of LSD, then drove home that point by allegedly punching a cop in the head. Officers attempted to subdue the 19-year-old student by zapping him six times with a
, thus breaking the
commandment, “Thou shalt not
Death By Chocolate
Michigan police officer Edward Sanchez took
a bite out of crime—
literally—when he and his wife ate pot brownies they baked using confiscated marijuana in April 2006. We know this because he called 911 to report that they were “having an overdose” on them. “We made brownies, and I think we’re dead,” Sanchez told the operator. “Time is going by really, really, really, really slow.” EMS took the couple
to the hospital, where they were released the next morning with a raging case of shame. The incident forced the 28-year-old officer to resign from his position, which unfortunately means he needs a new weed hookup.
Some art “speaks” to people. And if you’re high on bath salts, it may tell you to use it as a toilet. Such was the case for Carmen Tisch, 36, who snorted bath salts and spent the afternoon at a Denver museum in December 2011. A security camera caught Tisch punching and scratching a $30 million painting by abstract expressionist Clyfford Still, and then, as her pièce de résistance, she pulled down her pants and rubbed her ass against it while peeing. The painting suffered $10,000 in damages but was restored to its original condition. Which is to say, it still looks like something our five-year-old nephew made with finger paints.
Huff It Out
James Crittenden was sleepy one afternoon last July, so he went to the ValuMarket in Louisville, Kentucky, bypassed the coffee section, and, police say, sat down in an aisle to huff 10 cans of whipped cream. When cops arrived, he offered to pay for the whipped cream, which totaled $26.90, but had only $7 in his pocket. He then told them through slurred speech that he was just trying to “wake up”
and that “the U.S.
the authority to huff Reddi-wip.” Police arrested the 36-year-old
despite the fact that, like our Founding Fathers, he was just fighting for our right to party.
In July 2012, Florida teenager Steve
fell asleep after chomping down some magic mushrooms. When he woke up, he was still tripping balls and thought he was having a nightmare. So in order
to “wake up,” the 17-year-old grabbed his parents’ .22-caliber rifle and
shot himself in the forehead. That did the
job, but it also made a terrible mess, and
spent the remainder of his high cleaning up blood before running outside
and asking a stranger to take him to the hospital. Doctors were able to remove the bullet and
save his life, but tragically, his buzz was killed in
Once Bitten, Twice High
On a Massachusetts campsite in August 2012, lovebirds Amanda Norcia and Brendon Gibson got together to drop acid, then trou. It was pretty romantic until Gibson, 24, allegedly took a bite out of his paramour’s cheek and then ran off into the woods. Norcia, 20, called the cops, who found her flesh-eating boyfriend in the woods, naked and covered in feces. He was tasered twice, pepper-sprayed, and arrested. Worst of all, he didn’t even get to cuddle afterward.