Because soccer just isn’t “face punch-y” enough.
(Photo (left): AFP/ Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2014)
WWE Head Honcho and compassionate boss Vince McMahon is rumored to be interested in purchasing troubled Premier League soccer club Newcastle United. The deal could be beneficial for all parties – soccer could use another American owner to raise its profile Stateside, and Vince McMahon’s wrestling behemoth could use a little traction across the pond. But instead of counting on the merits of each sport to do its job, here are some suggestions for new soccer rules that could help McMahon bring a little pro wrestling flavor to the pitch in Newcastle.
1. Cheating is not only allowed, but encouraged. Just as long as you change out the sharp Premier League officials with the easily distracted/unconscious refs that the WWE has produced for so long.
2. Even though Newcastle is in the North of England, their manager Alan Pardew is replaced by Jimmy “The Mouth of the South” Hart. Would the league frown on Hart attacking Wayne Rooney with a metal folding chair? Probably, but you don’t get to the top without making a few enemies.
3. The black and white stripes can stay, but put them on Speedos and replace those cleats with knee-high black leather boots. Practical? No. Awesome? Also, no. But appropriate.
4. Players will have a 10 count to throw the ball in from the sidelines. That is, unless the field is invaded by another club (“DO YOU HEAR THAT? THAT’S WEST HAM UNITED'S MUSIC!”) and the easily distracted ref does what he does best (which is becoming easily distracted).
5. Finally, at even the slightest bit of contact the players must go to the ground in spectacular fashion and play up the pain they feel to the point of absurdity. Oh wait, soccer already has that.
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