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Your Kentucky Derby Rundown

The Kentucky Derby is upon us, so prepare yourself for the most exciting two minutes in sports…by reading this page, then taking a short nap.

The Grandstand

Photo by Jeff Haynes / Landov/ Reuters | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Only rich people can afford actual seats at the Derby, so put on a nice dress and a ridiculous Derby hat. Derby hats
are supposed to look insane, so with any luck security will be so distracted they won’t notice what an ugly woman you are.

The Infield

Photo by David Stephenson / Landov | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
With no danger of actually seeing the race from the in­field, it’s all about going hog- wild in public. With this in mind, to convince security that you just left the Infield for a second and are coming back in, take most of your clothes off and scream at them incoherently.

The Race Itself

Photo by Al Bello/Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
You’ll need a partner here, because one person cannot convincingly fill out a horse costume (believe us, we’ve tried). It helps to have a bagof horse poop in there to drop out the back end, as well—just remember, don’t fall over or you’ll be shot.

The Derby’s Three Biggest Studs (Literally)

Photo by Al Bello/Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Bold Venture
After winning the Derby and the Preakness in ’36, Bold Venture broke the then standing record by siring two Derby race winners. He had the most-winning penis in sports, next to Wilt Chamberlain.

Native Dancer
The father of Northern Dancer lost in 1953, but then became pappy to 306 kids, 43 of whom became stakes winners. He never stopped telling his other 263 children what disappointments they were, though.

Northern Dancer
Native Dancer Jr. won the Derby in 1964, and as a result his stud fee reached a record-breaking $1 million in the ’80s, officially making him the world’s most successful male horse prostitute.

Kentucky Derby Hotties