25 Features We Demand From The New Cadillac Flagship

A fat-cat Cadillac should be appropriately fat.
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A fat-cat Cadillac should be appropriately fat.
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One of the highpoints in otherwise awkward Oscars broadcast was the game Cadillac spit in their artsy, SOHO-tastic ad: it converged (paid) Jason Wu, Richard Linklater and Steve Wozniak to announce that their new flagship, the CT6, is coming, and gave us a glimpse of the luxurious road-yacht. 

Look at it! Even in a lustrous shade of Blanche Geriatrique, that is some serious presence. The exterior checks all the boxes: long, low, wide, crisp. Everything else, though, is unknown, and just because Cadillac penned a fantastic design doesn’t mean there’s no more room to fumble. Here are our twenty-five suggestions for what Cadillac must include to pull off a successful full-size sedan.

1.     Magnetic Ride-Control Suspensions: Cadillac uses the best suspensions in the biz, and we hope nothing changes for their flagship.

2.     A V8: If Cadillac is going to play against Mercedes and BMW, they’ll need 8 cylinders, and not the pushrod ones used in the Escalade.

3.     A Landau Top: As an option, for old people or for tacky young people.

4.     A Tufted Velour Interior: This is a long shot, but a brand is nothing without its history.

5.     A Stool Pigeon In The Trunk: A fella with a big mouth is the perfect accessory to any large Cadillac sedan.

6.     Chrome: On the front, on the back, in the car, on the wheels.

7.     Rear-Wheel Drive: It’s a fixture of luxury cars, and any serious Cadillac should be able to throw up an incredibly cloud of dust as it pulls off the side of a Nevada highway.

8.     The Best Sound System: We don’t want to peddle in stereotypes, but if a Baby Boomer ponies up for the CT6, he should be able to listen to My Way and be able to hear each of the nicotine lesions on Sinatra’s chords.

9.     A Champagne Refrigerator: Cadillacs are for nothing if not celebration.

10. A Real Name: We know naming schemes are secured years in advance, but please, all any person wants to say is, “My Eldorado is parked out front.”

11. Special Editions: A Gold Edition. A Red Velvet Edition. A Madras Edition. A Campari Edition. A Margaritaville Edition.

12. A ZF 8-Speed: ZF’s automatic is the smoothest transmission in production right now and the top Cadillac deserves nothing but the butteriest.

13. A Convertible: Full-size convertibles are a dying breed and if Cadillac doesn’t churn out a big convertible soon, how will small-town beauty queens travel in parades?

14. A White Leather Interior: It’s a little seventies, a little coke-y but… Cadillacs are a little seventies, a little coke-y. Let’s embrace it.

15. Autopilot: Coming home from a four-martini dinner, no one wants drive—why not let the Caddie?

16. Match-to-Sample Paint: All the European luxury carmakers allow its richest and most patient customers to paint their cars in any color in the world. To compete, Cadillac must allow customers to paint their cars to match the pale beige of their Schnauzer’s underbelly.

17. American-Ready Seats: Sports seats are notorious for pinching the love-handles.

18. A Hearse Body: The most famous hearse in the world is a Cadillac and it’s time for a follow-up.

19. A Front Bench Seat: The six-seat sedan is our favorite kind of sedan, and with two passengers, the bench seat allows for, well, unparalleled intimacy.

20. The Kona Wood Trim Out Of The Escalade: Matte-finish open-pore wood trim is one of our favorite things in any automotive interior.

21. A Feature That Can Be Described As “Luxomatic”: We don’t really care what it is.

22. A Drivetrain Component That Can Be Described As “Thrustomatic”: Again, the feature itself is secondary.

23. Coral Blue As A Standard Color: Cadillacs looks freaking incredible in light pastels.

24. Factory Delivery: Your Cadillac should drive around Detroit at least once.

25. Swagger: Built into the goddamn bones.