In 1999, a six-year-old Cuban refugee was plucked from the Atlantic Ocean by a kindly fisherman and became the focus of an emotionally charged international custody battle. Elian Gonzalez was eventually torn from his adoptive U.S. home by armed forces and placed back in the arms of his Castro-loving padre on Cuban soil. The world has heard little if anything from Elian since, so we sent our reporter to his quaint commie village to see how the brouhaha affected his young life.

STUFF: Elian, you’ve changed.
ELIAN:Jes. Jou can call me Eliana now.

When did you…
Dee other day. I weesh I had dees putumayos when I was a leetle cucaracha in dee water. Dey help me float! Oh, I jes keeding you! They like rocks, dees yum-yums.

Do you miss the USA?
I mees mi familia. But dee Americans, dey very lie to me. I watch dee Joe Millionaire. He say he a millionaire, but my friend say he no really a millionaire! Eees true?

Yes, that’s true.
¡Aye carachi machici!

What the hell does that mean?
I no know. Wanna you see my new hairy humidor?

Not in the slightest.
ELIAN: Fascist pig!

Elian Gonzalez