Our two-step plan:
1. Get a job at Maxim.
2. Show up in an insane Mercedes.
My 10-year high school reunion was approaching, and I had a plan: totally abuse my position as a Maxim editor to call in the fanciest, fastest, most insane car I could, pile in with my lovely girlfriend, and blow the minds of people who remember me as that loud kid with the funny beard.
One call to Mercedes later and I’m pulling up to my old stomping grounds in a 2012 Mercedes-Benz CLS63 AMG—a 550-horsepower road-rager that proved scientifically perfect for confusing the hell out of former classmates.
“Did you buy the car?”
The only way to quiet the questions: Smash the pedal and laugh maniacally.
All Romy and Michele–style ridiculousness aside, this is one fun car. The beauty of the beast is that despite its track-tearing, twin-turbocharged engine, it doesn’t feel like a whole lot of car. With most muscle machines, you have to work for the speed and actually know what you’re doing. It’s a road rodeo, and the more horses you ride, the more it feels like they are trying to buck you off.
But this AMG? It drives itself. So as I pushed the needle dangerously close to the triple digits, the only indication that I was about to earn a couple of points on my license was the scared faces of former classmates as I zipped by. See you guys in my invisible hoverjet at the 25th!
Engine: Twin-turbocharged 5.5-liter V-8
Torque: 516 lb.-ft.
Transmission: 7-speed automatic
0–60: 4.4 seconds