UPDATE: We’re complete assholes. After seeing all the comments posted below and learning more about the debilitating condition Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, we realize it has no place on the list, and apologize. But let’s make lemonade from our lemons and help promote Ehlers-Danlos awareness.
We received the following voice mail from Eugene Wilson of the Ehler-Danlos Center Alliance.
Getting sick isn't all bad. Bird flu and gingivitis are no laughing matter, but there are some ailments that could actually turn into a good thing. Take off the hazard suit and throw out the vitamins as we list the world’s best diseases and ailments.
Congenital Analgesia (a.k.a. You Can’t Feel Pain)
This rare disease, made somewhat popular thanks to the Stieg Larsson novels, stops the sensation of pain, making you an instant superhero, super villain or super farmer.
Upside: No more tears at the dentist or aggressive barber. Can finally taste lava. Never knowing what a headache or sore throat feels like. Dart fights!
Downside: Because the person can’t feel any pain, they often unknowingly bite off their tongues and lips. But hey…a lifetime of wearing masks and using sign language is a small price to pay for the ability to stop a ceiling fan with your eyes.
Kluver-Bucy Syndrome (a.k.a. Sex Maniac Disorder)
When your brain gets damaged (either from an accident or illness such as hypoglycemia or Alzhiemer’s) Kluver-Bucy Syndrome may occur. Sufferers not only have a difficult time identifying faces, but they’re also horny as hell and exhibit signs of hyperorality, which means they identify things with their mouth. This may be the sexiest ailment of them all!
Upside: Sex with everyone! Looks won’t matter if you can’t recognize the person. And if you get caught licking someone, blame your hyperorality and say, “Just making sure you weren’t a puma.”
Downside: Your brain is damaged, so that can’t be good. Plus, it’s not that fun to read a book with your mouth.
Palinopsia (a.k.a Goofy Eyes)
When someone who suffers from Palinopsia looks away from an object, the after image often stays with them. Look at a walrus, and you’ll be seeing that walrus for the next few moments everywhere you look.
Upside: Photographic memory (sort of). The ability to stare at a girl on your own time, as the image will forever live in your eyeballs. “Hey, look at that girl’s ass!” And then you’re set for a while.
Downside: “Hey, look at all this high-definition photograph of fungus growing inside an open sore!” And then you’re screwed.
Ageusia (a.k.a. Taste Loss)
This rare condition leaves the victim without the sense of taste. It’s extremely uncommon (you’re more likely to lose the sense of smell) but think of the possibilities!
Upside: Save money and lose weight by only eating celery and hair.
Downside: Never knowing the joy of tasting lava.
BONUS: Not as Good As You Think
One of the misconceptions about these living noodles is that if you have one, you’ll immediately lose weight. That’s not the case. Chances are the tapeworm infection won’t have any drastic symptoms, and the most common symptom is a stomach ache or constipation. If you’re looking for a get-thin-quick scheme, you need look elsewhere. May we suggest our patented weight loss plan called: Climb Mountains as Fast as You Can and Only Eat Apricots.
Disease That May Sound Fun, But Isn't At All
When we first found out about the condition, we thought it might be fun to have loose joints and increased flexibility. We were wrong. Ehlers-Danlos is the opposite of fun- it’s painful, horrible, and may result in death. We’ll explain the condition in more detail soon, as part of Ehlers-Danlos Awareness Month.
UPDATE #2: Read our interview with Eugene Wilson here.