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5 Sex Positions Not To Try On Valentine’s Day

Tonight is probably going to get you and your partner feeling frisky – but no one should ever feel this frisky.

There are many publications out there that like to suggest completely impossible sex positions, and whenever we’re making love in our preferred way (alone, while eating a sandwich in front of SportsCenter), we always wonder – who the hell even tries to do these things? Well, we found the answer in the form of our intrepid writer Veronica, who braved the sexual absurdities of the Position Of The Day Playbook so you don’t have to. Show your respect, gentlemen. Veronica – over to you.



After perusing my local Barnes & Noble sex and relationship section (what? It was a slow day), I quickly found myself completely mesmerized by a quaint little book called Positions of the Day Playbook. I just couldn’t walk away. We all want to spice up our sex life, but this book just seemed unreal – not least because it also included the number of calories likely to be burnt off in each encounter. Because that’s all us girls care about in the bedroom, right? The thing doesn’t even come with instructions – just a line drawing showing where you’re supposed to end up. Half of these positions looked physically impossible to perform, unless you’re missing a few ribs and have the core strength of a retired Olympic gymnast, which, seriously, who the hell does? Besides Prince, obviously. So, for the sake of science (and sex), I dove in headfirst (in many cases, literally) so you could be spared the haunting, “What the fuck just happened there?” post-coitus cuddle, and found five terrible positions to avoid at all costs. You can thank me later.



POSITION 1
Official Name: “Drop Me and I’ll Sue”
More Accurate Name: “Eh, Don’t Worry About Dropping Me, I Can’t Even Get Up There In The First Place”
Projected calorie loss: 120
Actual loss: My self-esteem
According to the picture in the book:
Lie down on your back, while your man bends down to position himself. Next, grasp your partner’s thighs with your thighs and grab his wrists while he holds on to your butt for leverage. When you both feel ready, he will stand up straight and you will flex your core to keep your body straight, as though attempting to make a human 90-degree angle. It’s almost like “planking”, but just with the upper half of your body. Then gyrate.
What Actually Happened:
He dropped me. Actually, that’s a lie – I was too weak to even get into the correct position for even a millisecond. You will most likely have the same problem, unless you’re Jillian Michaels (you aren’t). No matter how ripped your man is, this one is all on you, ladies - you have to be able to keep your body steady at a 90-degree angle, while your partner stands up, holds your legs and has their way with you. So start doing your core exercises, because I’m pretty sure it doesn’t count as sex when you’re constantly asking if it’s in yet between being-murdered-at-the-gym screaming. Unless you two are a couple of exercise freaks, run. Run away and never look back.



POSITION 2
Book name: “The Adult Show And Tell”
More Accurate Name: “There is Nothing to Show…or Tell”
Projected calorie loss: 61
Actual loss: A willing hookup partner
According to the picture in the book:
You start by both getting onto your hands and knees and facing away from each other. You will lift up your right leg and wrap it around his left leg, with your butt on his butt. Your other legs will be intertwined on the bed (or any other surface you find yourself on). When both of you are in the correct position, the sexing will begin.
What Actually Happened:
Him repeatedly insisting, “Uh, my dick can’t move that way.” And it can’t. It really can’t. For this position we can just blame Jesus (or those lady apes we evolved from? Damn you, lady apes. Damn you). The positioning of your bodies makes it anatomically impossible for his man junk to get anywhere near your lady junk: You would basically have to grab his penis and pull it towards you at a 90-degree angle, opposite of the direction his penis would normally lie, for this position to work, and since every man reading this just shuddered and whispered, “Never,” to his penis, we can all agree that, that’s a no-go. Believe me, I really wanted this one to work - it just looked hilariously awesome, but even with a few “re-dos,” it was all for naught. Chalk this one up to evolution, guys and gals, and cross it off the list: This shit is redic.



POSITION 3
Book Name: “The ‘I’ll Be Back’”
More Accurate Name: “The ‘I Feel Weird’”
Projected calorie loss: 120
Actual loss: My dignity
According to the picture in the book:
Basically, this is a variation of reverse cowgirl. The man will lie down on the edge of the bed. You will stand over your man, then position yourself of top of his man junk (while still standing). You both should be looking in the same direction. Now place your hands on his legs for support and gyrate.
What Actually Happened:
“I feel weird.”
“Me too.”
“Feel good now?”
“Nope.”
“…Now?”
“Still feels weird.”
Terrible. Just terrible. While physically possible, the “I’ll be back” just feels bizarre, which is not exactly the word you want to use to describe your latest sexual excursion. Since you’re standing instead of straddling your man, you’re pushing your body weight off of nothing but your own brute strength. Repeatedly. This position turns into an upper-leg strengthening exercise within five seconds, which might be great for the legs, but is absolutely terrible for getting off. All in all, you kind of feel like you’re just squatting on a penis, and not in the good way. Well no, all in all, you kind of feel like you’re awkwardly gyrating while squatting on top of a penis, mostly because you are awkwardly gyrating while squatting on top of a penis.



POSITION 4
Book Name: “The Boot Licker”
More Accurate Name: “The ‘My Butt Normally Doesn’t Look Like This, I Swear!’”
Projected calorie loss: 54
Actual loss: My sex appeal
According to the picture in the book:
You both lie on your sides, head to feet, man-parts to lady-parts (he should be able to look down and get a full view of your butt, you should see his feet). Place your left leg over his waist: His left leg will remain straight with his right leg under your butt. Now gyrate.
What Actually Happened:
“Nope,” said the man, ten seconds into this position. “Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.” Side note: He never wants to attempt this position again. Like, ever. Yet again, we are given another “physically possible” position, but not only that, this shit feels wrong… just really, really wrong. Sure, it looks kind of like spooning, but really? Spooning in opposite directions? While staring at his feet and being acutely aware that he can stare directly into your butthole while it’s flapping and flying all over the place? If you try this, you’ll find yourself laughing out loud from sheer awkwardness and embarrassment, all while wondering exactly what your body looks like from this angle (the answer is: Not good. It does not…look…good).



POSITION 5
Book Name: “The Bunny Slope”
More Accurate Name: “You Put Your Butt Where, Now?”
Projected calorie loss: 48
Actually gained: Fear of skiing
According to the picture in the book:
You lie down on your back. With you hands parallel to your body, lift your core and bring your legs over your body. Now stay in this position. The man will now crouch down and sit on your butt with his butt. He will then gyrate.
What Actually Happened:
Look, I’m a lady, and thus have lady parts. And because I am a lady, I don’t have a penis, but I do understand that the “D” has to be remotely near the “V,” for it to be considered pleasurable, let alone even remotely considered sex (for most people.) Do the people who wrote this book not understand how penises are supposed to work? Have they ever seen a penis before? Penises just can’t move that way! Unless you want to rip your penis off and then glue it back on upside down, in which case, by all means, go ahead, rip your penis off and then glue it back on upside down (actually, you should probably just call a psychiatrist instead). On top of that, for this position, the guy is sitting on your buttwith his butt. He is trying to bone you while using your butt as a chair. Turned on? Thought so. So yeah, this position does not work. Unless you’re short on chairs.

The Position Of The Day Playbook is available from Chronicle Books

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