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Hillbilly Lovin'

Rednecks are making a comeback in the porn industry. Who knew?


Photo Courtesy of The History Channel

Hillbillies seem to be popping up everywhere these days - beauty pageants, backyard swamps, deserted islands, muddy matrimony - but now it seems they've made leeway into formerly sacred territory: the porn industry.

According to Gamelink, one of the largest XXX websites in the adult industry, redneck fetish videos are raking in major profits and are up 250% in sales since 2010. The jump is attributed to the rise in popularity of such upscale television programs as Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, which offer a look into "civilization" in the boondocks. We can't understand who would want to know about the erotic lifestyle of a redneck, although we can imagine what these movies might be called (Hillbilly Honeys! Real White Trash! Ozark Sex Fiends!). There's probably a lot of unsanitary boning. And possibly also these things.

1. Chicken Grease
Lots and lots of chicken grease all over every participant. And shards of drumstick skin scattered across those lovingly stained sheets.

2. S&M: Mullet Style
Who needs whips and chains when you’ve got 12 inches-worth of “party in the back?”

3. Confederate Flag Lingerie
Expect those confederate panties to be on the man, not the lady. Or maybe on the crocodile (after all, every respectable backwoods porno has at least one bestiality scene).

4. Dentures
While hillbillies don't bother with pesky things like multiple incisors in their day-to-day lives, they’re still vain enough to want to look decent on camera, even while doing really indecent things.

5. Inarticulate Moaning and Groaning
This is actually the good news: the rednecks can talk dirty all day long, and chances are you’re not going to be able to understand a single word they’re saying. Unless there’s subtitles, in which case, just go kill yourself.


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