Wondering why your lady just rubbed a scrunchie over your junk? No, she doesn’t get her kinky ideas from porn, like you. She did it because a women’s magazine told her to. You know those innocent-looking mags she brings home—with a fresh-faced Taylor Swift on the cover? They’re loaded with bizarre and unsettling sex tips like, “Very gently bite the skin of his scrotum.” Horrifying? Yes. But for every ball-sac-endangering item, there must be a sex tip that works, right? We had six intrepid ladies put a bunch to the fleshy test. To the results!
The Tip: “Bobby pins can give serious pleasure to his nipples. Use the pointy end to lightly draw circles around his headlights. As the circles get closer to his nips, his anticipation will build, causing them to get erect. Then use the pins as mini nipple clamps—the slight pinching will intensify his pleasure.”—Cosmopolitan
The Test: Mid make-out I whip out a bobby pin and delicately draw rings around my boyfriend’s areola. He giggles because he’s ticklish—and because I’m circling his nips with a hair accessory. I make the circles smaller and smaller until there’s direct contact with the target. As Cosmo predicted, his nipples could cut glass at this point, but I’m pretty sure it’s not because he’s “primed for action.” (Clue No. 1: He asks if I’m done yet. Clue No. 2: He’s still laughing.) I clamp the pin on to shut him up. He’s stopped laughing, but he’s not exactly moaning. More like whimpering. I leave him clamped and turn my attention below the belt, which seems to go well…until he asks me to remove the bobby pin because it’s starting to hurt.
The Verdict: Less bobby pin, more hand job.—Laura Leu
The Tip: “Sit naked in front of a mirror together and describe everything you love about each other’s body. Now take turns giving each other slow and sensual oral sex in front of the mirror.”—Marie Claire
The Test: My fiancé and I sit in front of the mirror. I try not to laugh, but a nude guy sitting cross-legged is not particularly sexy. I glance at myself and instantly zone in on my flaws: Your arm looks fat, suck in your stomach. OK, better to look at him. I begin the description phase: “I love your defined obliques. And your back muscles.” Sounds like a shopping list. He tells me he loves my tits, my hips, and my ass. I wish I hadn’t eaten so much fro-yo. Part one is ridiculous, so we move on to part two. The second we stand up, we both look a lot sexier. We get down to business.
The Verdict: It was like watching porn, starring us—hot. The lesson: Use the mirror for visual stimulation. Save the chat for breakfast.—Gabrielle Hollander
The Tip: “When you go down on him, have an ice cube and a cup of warm tea nearby. Every few minutes, alternate between sucking on the ice and sipping the tea. The sensations will drive him wild.”—Women’s Health
The Test: This trick really seems to work. “Ooh, that’s intense,” he says when I make the first switch from cold to warm. I’m glad he’s enjoying himself, though I feel weird pausing constantly to switch. Encouraged by his enthusiasm, I go rogue, keeping some warm water in my mouth to, I don’t know, bathe his penis in it. But the water ends up splashing all over the place, and I stumble around, coughing, looking for a towel. He doesn’t seem to mind.
The Verdict: His thoughts: “You’re just psyched that you cut your blow job time in half.” Um, guilty as charged.—Sarah Choi
The Tip: “Do something unexpected with toys you have lying around the house: A hairbrush is perfect for gently scratching his skin. Run a rolling pin over his back and thighs during an erotic massage. Use a blush brush to tickle his package.”—Cosmopolitan
The Tests: I try the hairbrush first, running it over my boyfriend’s back and ass while he’s on top. This elicits an inquiry as to whether I think his back needs waxing. Next up, the blush-brush ball tickler. This only succeeds in making him convulse in laughter, totally killing the mood. His balls, however, are a lovely, sparkly, rosy hue. When it comes time to massage his legs with a rolling pin, I balk. Who do they think I am, Betty freaking Crocker?
The Verdict: These tips were useless, but they did get me thinking more creatively. The rolling pin tip inspired me to go to the kitchen, where I handed him a wooden spoon and told him to spank me. All parties were eminently satisfied.—Odile Markovich
The Tip: “Sprinkle a little pepper underneath his nose right before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel-good effects.”—Cosmopolitan
The Test: Positioning, timing, and surprise are everything here. I get on top, and when my hubby’s ready to come, I grab the pepper shaker and hold it above his face. He opens his eyes, sees me holding the pepper like an ice pick, and asks what the fuck I’m doing. Boner: gone. Sexual experimentation privileges: revoked.
The Verdict: I bet any orgasm at all is better than one that’s been derailed because one partner is trying to jam spices in the other’s orifices.—Esther Smith
The Tip: “Pop in earplugs. It will enhance the sound of your breathing so that you can focus solely on your other four senses.”—Women’s Health
The Test: We’re in bed, and I get out the plugs. “I want to put these in,” I whisper. “In where?” he asks. “Our ears, weirdo.” He obliges, and we go at it. Initially I feel disconnected, but as our breathing gets heavier, it gets intense. Definitely the most powerful orgasm either of us has had in a while.
The Verdict: Sensory deprivation is actually really cool. We plan to try it again in the shower. And maybe with blindfolds.
IT'S NOT JUST THEIR SEX TIPS THAT ARE WEIRD. WOMEN'S MAGS ARE CHOCK-FULL OF STUPID-ASS "SECRETS"
Guy secret revealed: “The age at which men stop sharing details about their sex life with their friends is: 27.”—Cosmopolitan
Maxim editor response: This is true. I would never disrespect my lady by discussing her amazing ball-cupping techniques. This isn’t running in the magazine, is it?—Patrick Carone
Guy secret revealed: “If your man keeps scratching his nose or ears, he’s lying.”—Women’s Health
Maxim editor response: And if he scratches his balls, it means he loves you.—Mike Dawson
Guy secret revealed: “If he takes a blurry photo of you, you’re not at the forefront of his attention.”—Cosmopolitan
Maxim editor response: Or he doesn’t know how to operate a camera. Autofocus, how the crap does that work?—Jesse Brukman
Guy secret revealed: “If your guy dreams about having sex with someone in his office, it just means he’s stressed about work.”—Cosmopolitan
Maxim editor response: Is this why David Swanson’s face keeps popping into my head while I’m masturbating in the shower?—Dan Bova